Politics

On Hearing the News that You’re a Great Big Loser

Schadenfreude is an ugly trait,
to enjoy another’s ill-starred fate.
In the sea of life, we’re all storm-tossed,
and yet … ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, you lost!

I don’t quite know what happened there:
to laugh at losers isn’t fair.
To win with grace, that’s best by far,
but … ha, ha, tee-hee! Ha, ha, ha!

I apologise for that outburst
but it just slipped out, unrehearsed.
I need to show more dignity.
However … ha, ha, ha! Tee-hee-hee!

Ha! Laughter is a wondrous thing!
What a gift – tee-hee! – of joy you bring!
You’ve brightened up – ha ha! – my day.
Ha ha, tee-hee! … now go away.

Conservative Party HQ Lunchtime Menu

Deprived shrimps

Money-glazed smirked ham

Scorn fritters

*

Battered electorate,
with a basket of crushed hopes
and slow-cooked fatigue

Half-baked notions,
idling on a soft bed of privilege,
served with a thick faux pas sauce

Kids in blankets,
deep-famished, with a deprivation of vegetables
and a relish reduction

Toads in the hole,
with golden hand-outs in a thick rich gravy
(self-serving only)

*

Eton Mess

Fudge (ten different flavours)

Dominic Cummings: The Lockdown Tour

He’s been locking down in London,
And a bit in Durham, too.
Not to mention Barnard Castle,
Legoland and Bristol Zoo.

He’s been locking down in Stoke-on-Trent
And Weston-super-Mare.
He’s spread himself quite thin of late.
He’s been spreading everywhere.

He’s been locking down in Basildon,
In Derby, Penge and Rome.
Wherever he lays his beanie hat,
That’s his lockdown home.

He’s more spreadable than margarine.
He’s been spreading far and wide.
He’ll be locking down in your town soon:
Spread the word and stay inside.

Spokesperson for the Department of Positive Thinking

… but let’s not dwell on all of that.
Now is hardly the time for tears or frowns.
We would like to share with you the latest figures,
which show shoplifting is down.

And the good news doesn’t stop there.
Car crime and burglary have declined the same.
Our social distancing strategy has begun to pay off,
pickpocketing is on the wane.

The economy is booming.
We’ve seen huge market growth for sanitiser gel.
And the video-conference company (in which I have a half-share)
is performing rather well.

It’s also a wonderful time for rescue remedy makers
and anxiety pill suppliers;
whilst anyone manufacturing PPE knows
demand has never been higher.

So, no, it’s not all doom and gloom!
Let us leave that to the negatrons!
Everything has been going entirely to plan.
Keep calm, good people, and carry on.

Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure

High temperature? Continuous cough?
A stubborn fever you can’t shake off?
Does it feel like you’re at death’s door?
Try Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure™.

DEVELOPED in conjunction
with THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF QUACKERY,
(not to mention several large daiquiris),
and FORMULATED by bogus MEDICS,
it will give you INSTANT relief
from the MOST DEADLY pandemics.

Is your throat as sore as hell?
Lost your sense of taste or smell?
Feel a pressure on your lungs?
From the makers of Dr Trump’s Magic Sponge™ …

Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure™
UTILIZES the latest in CURE TECHNOLOGY,
its SECRET FORMULA perfected through centuries
by APPALACHIAN monks,
schooled in the MYSTERIES of HEAT and LIGHT
and the RESTORATIVE POWERS of bleach.

Are you worried that it’s the end?
Can’t see that you’ll ever mend?
Think you’re going to die for sure?
Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure™

is CLINICALLY PROVEN
to improve recovery times from death,
and is almost a cleaning,
working up to FIFTEEN SECONDS FASTER
than other less miraculous cures.
It can be YOURS for as little as $174.95.

FREE Dr Trump BASEBALL CAP with every purchase.

Announcements

We would like to apologise for the delay.
This is due to the wrong kind of deal,
which indeed is any kind of deal
that might make your forward journey possible
at this time.
 
Passengers are advised to seek
alternative countries
where available.

We would like to apologise for the delay.
This is due to a mechanical fault
in the machinery of government.
A team of engineers is working to fix this problem.
We hope to continue on our journey
in the autumn of 2055.

Passengers are advised
that a government replacement service
will not be operating on these routes
at this time.

We would like to apologise for the delay.
This is due to leavers on the line.
A buffet car serving refreshments,
including hot and cold snacks,
will not be available.

Passengers are advised
to somehow keep their sense of belonging with them
at all times.
 
We would like to apologise for the delay,
signalling failure
at this time.

Gremlin

A gremlin’s meddling in state affairs.
He lives beneath the White House stairs
in a cupboard stocked with fake tan jars
and shelves of tarnished samovars.

He creeps out at the witching hour
to sabotage the wheels of power
and make them turn the way he chooses.
And how his puppetry amuses!

The Gremlin’s own Petrushka doll,
a clown hand-carved to play this role.
A wooden, empty-headed thing!
See him dance as he pulls the strings.

Out of the Rain

We ran down the high street and into the pub,
as we cheated the rain that fell from above,
dodging the puddles that had formed on the floor.
Such a beautiful day for a nuclear war.

You draped your wet coat on the back of your chair,
We emptied our drinks. The rain dripped from your hair.
A Guinness. A whiskey. Then I went back for more.
What a beautiful day for a nuclear war.

We talked. Pop songs. First pets. Favourite film stars.
We flicked pistachio shells into a jar.
You tried not to yawn. You must have thought me a bore.
It was a beautiful day for a nuclear war.

The days have changed now but I keep that one apart.
I carry it with me, tattooed on my heart.
The Guinness. Your wet hair. The dress that that you wore.
Such a beautiful day for a nuclear war.

CTRL ALT-RIGHT DEL

The world lurches, a violent SHIFT
the RETURN of Nazis to our streets.
But do not let it get you ,
press CTRL ALT → DEL.

Fascism should serve no Fn.
It’s an ugly BACKSPACE into history.
We must be > the hatred,
to ESC we have the key.

Keep upon intolerance.
Send racism into retreat.
To END hate, we need to INSERT love
and press CTRL ALT → DEL.