A poem about my experience of ‘travelling’ on Britain’s railways

Selected poems

The Poet Now Standing at Platform 3A

The poet now standing at platform 3A
is the delayed 14.30 speaker for the Wits’ End Poetry Festival,
calling at: Longwaite; Anguish; Bleakside;
Much Wallowing-in-the-Mire; Little Hope;
Hangdog Manor; High Dudgeon; Irk; Fuckham; Mope;
Doldrum Parkway; Wearyside Central; and Wits’ End.

We are sorry to announce this poet is delayed
by approximately one hour and fifteen minutes.
Please listen for further announcements.
We apologise for the inconvenience this may cause.

The poet now standing at platform 3A
is the delayed 14.30 speaker for the Wits’ End Poetry Festival.
Please note, this poet will now NOT be stopping at:
Great Ease; Serenity Junction; or Arrival-on-Time.

This poet has been delayed by approximately one hour
and forty-eight minutes.
Customers are advised to stand well back from the poet,
who’s on edge.
Please listen for further announcements.
We apologise for the disruption to your journey today.

The poet currently standing at platform 3A
is the delayed 14.30 speaker for the Wits’ End Poetry Festival.
This poet consists of nine elements:
oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, tedium, delirium,
odium, caffeine, shortbread, and despair.

A trolley service, featuring mild palpitations
and a selection of hot and cold sweats,
is trundling through this poet.

This poet has been delayed by approximately two hours
and twenty-three minutes.
Please listen for further disruptions.
We apologise for the announcements to your journey today.

There has been a platform altercation.
The agony at platform 3A does not stop here.
The 14.30 speaker for the Wits’ End Poetry Festival has been disrupted.
Customers should not bore the poet at this time.

The platform now standing on poet 3A has been delayed
by approximately three hours and forty-two minutes.
We apologise for the apologies to your disruptions today.

If you hear an announcement that doesn’t sound right,
seek your stash. Or text a local dealer on 61016
to help you through this.
He’ll sort it. Seek it. Pay it. Snorted.

Please note that for your safety and comfort
this station operates a no trains policy.

The festival now standing at poet 14.30 is the delayed
3A speaker for the Wits’ End Poetry platform.
We are sorry to announce that this poet has been waylaid
by approximately four hours and twenty-two minutes.
Will passengers intending to travel on this service
make their way to the platform as the poet is now ready to jump.

Please note that longings must not be left unattended at this station.
Any hope left unattended may be removed without warning, or destroyed.

This is a customer announcement.
The 14.30 speaker for the Wits’ End Poetry Festival has terminated here.
A bard replacement service will be in operation.
We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.

A poem which contains some fancy words

Selected poems

Logomachy

To say that Damian
was sesquipedalian
would be an understatement

for there was no abatement
in his capacity for loquacity
and not one trace of temerity
in his pursuit
of verbal dexterity.

It was precisely this pomposity
mixed with verbosity
which made him describe
Kieran Thomas as “crepuscular”.

Kieran Thomas was also more muscular.

Damian nursed his black eye
and hoped Kieran
might be struck down with
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

Look … a book

News

Dead chuffed to have taken delivery today of advance copies of ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’, which comes out next month.
As ever, Picador have done a fabulous job in bringing my work to the printed page.

A photo of my new book ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’. It’s a beautiful hardback edition in gold / yellow colours featuring an illustration on the front of a man looking up at a wooden horse which has a body shaped like an egg.

Incredibly, it’s my tenth book. I don’t quite know how that has happened.

Thanks to everyone for having indulged me for so long.

A photo of all my ten books together in a pile on a shelf: How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside Days Like These Refugees Alexa, what is there to know about love? Diary of a Somebody You Took the Last Bus Home Let Sleeping Cats Lie 50 Ways to Score a Goal And So This is Christmas A Poem for Every Question

A poem for World Meteorological Day

Selected poems

And Now for the Weather

Today is set to be agreeably alliterative  
across an assortment of areas 
although the occasional metaphor  
may cause some faces to cloud. 

Idioms will be coming down like stair rods 
in northern regions, while the south  
may experience the odd outbreak of similes, 
like an unexpected shower of arrows. 

In coastal, littoral, and seaside areas,  
synonyms remain likely.  
Further inland, sudden gusts of hyperbole 
look set to take your breath away 

and a series of scattered euphemisms  
will have you reaching for your wellies. 
If you’re driving, please be aware that tautologies  
of frozen ice are still affecting some roads,  

after a heavy, prolonged flurry of oxymorons.  
And finally – from tomorrow evening –  
expect the return of some light litotes,  
making next week’s outlook hardly the best. 

Poem written while waiting for a train at a provincial railway station

Selected poems

If I Could Have My Time Over

If I could have my time over,
I would do it all differently
and not treat each precious moment
with such disregard and flippancy.

I would use my time effectively,
I would think ahead and plan.
I would reserve my stores of energy,
and take charge when I can.

But it’s too late in the journey
for regret, too late to repent –
because there’s not a socket in sight,
and my battery’s on one per ce

World Book Day Book Awareness Day

News
A picture of my new book jacket, featuring a mildly perplexed man looking up at a giant horse with an egg shaped body.

Given it’s World Book Day, I suppose I should mention that I’ve got a new book coming out next month.

It’s called ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’: a collection of new poems, which also doubles up as a guide to enjoying and writing poetry.

It is not altogether serious.

It’s pre-orderable through your local friendly bookshop, plus those online ones.

Signed copies are available through the UK indie bookshops and here: https://uk.bookshop.org/a/295/9781035085729

2026 Lit Festivals

News

I’m reading poems at a few literary festivals this year – including ones in Keswick, Guernsey, Wrexham, Tunbridge Wells, Dorchester-on-Thames, Filey and Leek. Here’s a pic which provides an efficient summary of such matters:

Next month’s show at Words on the Water has sold out, but tickets are on sale for the other festivals. More info on those, plus my autumn tour dates, can be found here … https://brianbilston.com/events/

End of mildly boring post.