Donald Trump

Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure

High temperature? Continuous cough?
A stubborn fever you can’t shake off?
Does it feel like you’re at death’s door?
Try Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure™.

DEVELOPED in conjunction
with THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF QUACKERY,
(not to mention several large daiquiris),
and FORMULATED by bogus MEDICS,
it will give you INSTANT relief
from the MOST DEADLY pandemics.

Is your throat as sore as hell?
Lost your sense of taste or smell?
Feel a pressure on your lungs?
From the makers of Dr Trump’s Magic Sponge™ …

Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure™
UTILIZES the latest in CURE TECHNOLOGY,
its SECRET FORMULA perfected through centuries
by APPALACHIAN monks,
schooled in the MYSTERIES of HEAT and LIGHT
and the RESTORATIVE POWERS of bleach.

Are you worried that it’s the end?
Can’t see that you’ll ever mend?
Think you’re going to die for sure?
Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure™

is CLINICALLY PROVEN
to improve recovery times from death,
and is almost a cleaning,
working up to FIFTEEN SECONDS FASTER
than other less miraculous cures.
It can be YOURS for as little as $174.95.

FREE Dr Trump BASEBALL CAP with every purchase.

Gremlin

A gremlin’s meddling in state affairs.
He lives beneath the White House stairs
in a cupboard stocked with fake tan jars
and shelves of tarnished samovars.

He creeps out at the witching hour
to sabotage the wheels of power
and make them turn the way he chooses.
And how his puppetry amuses!

The Gremlin’s own Petrushka doll,
a clown hand-carved to play this role.
A wooden, empty-headed thing!
See him dance as he pulls the strings.

A Brief History of the #

#barcamp #hashtag #FF #best
#wordgame #punfun #trulyblessed
#dingdong #romcom# #HaveYourSay
#pingpong #nomnom #EdBallsDay

#haiku #selfie #squadgoals #hope
#OneDirection #favouritesoap
#BlackLivesMatter #ReachOut #JoinIn
#Sponsored #Starbucks #BurgerKing

#JeSuisCharlie #LoveNotHate
#Strictly #Cecil #Oink #PigGate
#Bowie #UKIP #FoodbankQueues
#Brexit #AltRight #Trump #FakeNews

#Putin #Brexit #NorthKorea
#Trump #Covfefe #GrowingFear
#GBBOonChannel4
#Trump #RedButton #ThirdWorldWar

#Pyongyang #Seoul #NewYork #Berlin
#Brexit #Beirut #Beijing #Turin
#FallOut #Famine #DeathCount #Violence
#JeSuisEarth #JeSuisSilence

Out of the Rain

We ran down the high street and into the pub,
as we cheated the rain that fell from above,
dodging the puddles that had formed on the floor.
Such a beautiful day for a nuclear war.

You draped your wet coat on the back of your chair,
We emptied our drinks. The rain dripped from your hair.
A Guinness. A whiskey. Then I went back for more.
What a beautiful day for a nuclear war.

We talked. Pop songs. First pets. Favourite film stars.
We flicked pistachio shells into a jar.
You tried not to yawn. You must have thought me a bore.
It was a beautiful day for a nuclear war.

The days have changed now but I keep that one apart.
I carry it with me, tattooed on my heart.
The Guinness. Your wet hair. The dress that that you wore.
Such a beautiful day for a nuclear war.

The White House

They’re redecorating the White House
in washed-out tones of white,
Moon Shimmer and Frosted Dawn,
Rock Salt and Morning Light.

Bleached Lichen in the kitchen.
The bedrooms – White Mist’s the plan.
The Oval Office is Absolute White.
All painted by the Du Lux Klan.

Breaking News

We interrupt this poem to bring you reports
of an explosion

of wild untruths and other signs that the news
is broken.

Early indications from those who were first
on the scene

have led to widespread fears of another Sweden
or Bowling Green

and that peace might erupt at any moment
in other places.

It is believed that amongst the rubble of reality
were found traces

of humanity and an understanding that stretches
beyond borders.

Many experts predict this will lead to a new wave
of presidential orders

for such trumped-up charges form part of
a familiar pattern.

But back to the poem: we’ll bring you more news
as it doesn’t happen.

On Learning that I Share My Birthday with Donald J. Trump

My parents always taught me that it’s good to share,
what’s mine is yours and what’s fair is fair,
but now these teachings have taken a bump
since I discovered my shared birthday with Donald J. Trump.

With others there is much that I’m prepared to share —
my thoughts, my friends, my lunch, this chair,
my wi-fi password, my cat, my bicycle pump —
but I will not share my birthday with Donald J. Trump.

So I shall fortify the fourteenth of June,
build a wall to keep out this bigoted loon,
too strong to knock down and too high to jump;
I shall not share my birthday with Donald J. Trump.