Month: December 2014

New Year’s Eve, 2014

“Typical,” thought Penny
as she watched Gavin party like it was 1999.

He was wearing a Pokemon t-shirt
and bouncing up and down to a Britney Spears song.
At least he no longer seemed to be worrying
about the millennium bug.

“Always fifteen years behind everyone else”, she sighed,
relieved that he’d left his micro-scooter outside.

Giving Up

A New Year for a New You,
a chance to give up the bad things
that you do.

Give up the fags, the birds, the booze,
the coke, the crack, the Reds, the blues.

Give up procrastination, shirking, shilly-shallying,
the dodging, ducking and constant dilly-dallying.

Give up all that bleeding effing and blinding,
late-night teeth-grinding, first-thing fault-finding.

Give up box sets and lying on the sofa,
the dream of having more lovers than Cassanova.

Give up overeating and underachieving,
the hopes for the future you used to believe in.

Give up picking noses, nits, scabs and fights,
complaining about infringement of your civil rights.

Give up the career that’s going nowhere fast,
the watching of the clock, the dwelling on the past.

Give up the ghost of a chance to dance
or of being given a first or second glance.

Give up your obsession with the young Gary Numan
(in fact, give up the things that make us all human;
the failures, the hurt, the pains, and rejections,
the settling for any of life’s imperfections.

Give them all up at the drop of a pin
or at least ’til the 2nd when it’s time
to give in.

Satsumas are the Only Fruit

O how I love to consume a satsuma!
A satsuma a day leads to good humour.

To obtain one I would fight a lion or puma
or risk the revenge of wrathful Montezuma.

For the sweet taste of just one satsuma
I would listen to a concerto of tuba,
learn the three major dialects of Yoruba,
read the minutes of the 1906 Duma.

The merest rumour of a buried satsuma
would see me turn fructo-archaeologist/exhumer.

Juicy-sweet segmental sensation!
Luscious litmus-testing, citrus-besting Christmas elation!
O how I love to consume a Satsuma!

It is also easier to rhyme than orange.

Those less fortunate

Forgive me for being importunate
but, this Christmas,
please spare a thought
for those less fortunate:
the lonely, the recently bereaved,
the sufferers of pain unrelieved,
the homeless, the poor, the needy
and those who watched
Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Special
on their TV.