Month: December 2013

Upon Delivering A Lecture On The Work Of One Direction

I was invited to a convention
On the work of One Direction
And there delivered a paper
On the intersection of nature,
Proust and Devon Malcolm
In their “difficult” second album
And the influence of Mao Zedung
Upon Live While We’re Young.

It was a talk of depth and texture
But in the middle of my lecture
Professor Stephenson of Yale
Shouted “Bilston, you epic fail”.

My Cup of Tea

no matter if you’re uppity
or cause a brew ha ha
you still are my cup of tea
my mug of steaming cha

that’s the oolong
and short of it,
the infusing, confusing
thought of it,
but please don’t make
sport of it,
i’m an overdunked, over-
wrought biscuit,

all out of leverage,
at the bottom
of
your
beverage.

Marlon Brandreth

With a life far from humdrum
Marlon was a conundrum
Of consonants,
Of great and little consequence,
A disemboweller of vowels,
A thrower-in of towels,
A dispenser of growls,
A collector of owls.
Plainly no pushover
Despite the bright pullover,
With eyes impossible
To pull the wool over.

The grand man of letters.
The godfather of sweaters.

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A Fine Afternoon’s Work

I said I’ll have a plate
Of your finest platitudes
With a side serving of insouciance,
Easy on the relish.

My custom no longer welcome
At Chicken Cottage,
I moved on in pursuit of other fowl to fry,
Three pound twenty
And a paraffin lighter
Burning a hole in my pocket.

Crowds had gathered
In front of Fred’s Discount Store.
30% off lilac and lemon Pringle sweaters
Was proving quite a draw.
I resisted the impulse.

My attention was roughly grabbed
And hauled into Help the Caged,
A new charity shop
Committed to ending the plight
Of budgerigars the world over,
Inside which I rapidly parted with my money.
Cooking with Charlie Dimmock and
A cassette tape of The Blow Monkeys
Sing Songs from the Shows,
My spoils of war.

I hurried home.

Lord of the Ring-binder

Part one came with a free ring-binder,
As the advertisement on the television
Declared it would.

In it I stored a selection of
My most treasured possessions:
A certificate providing proof
Of my quarter-finalist status
In the West Midlands Junior BMX Challenge,
Nineteen-eighteen five;
A card depicting Norwich City wingman,
Jimmy Neighbour,
Smiling and bepermed, blithely unaware
That he would shortly find himself
The subject of a £150,000 transfer
To east London side, West Ham United,
(Coincidentally another football team);
Papers from our divorce settlement;
And a receipt from Preedys News,
Long since closed,
Detailing the purchase of two packets of pacers,
Long since chewed.

I threw the magazine away.
What need had I to know of
The World of Cross Stitch.

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