Month: May 2020

Dominic Cummings: The Lockdown Tour

Some poems

He’s been locking down in London,
And a bit in Durham, too.
Not to mention Barnard Castle,
Legoland and Bristol Zoo.

He’s been locking down in Stoke-on-Trent
And Weston-super-Mare.
He’s spread himself quite thin of late.
He’s been spreading everywhere.

He’s been locking down in Basildon,
In Derby, Penge and Rome.
Wherever he lays his beanie hat,
That’s his lockdown home.

He’s more spreadable than margarine.
He’s been spreading far and wide.
He’ll be locking down in your town soon:
Spread the word and stay inside.

Notes and Clarifications

Some poems

Let’s be very clear about this,
you should stay inside,
except for those occasions
when you go outside.

You should work from home
unless, that is, you cannot;
in which case you should work
in other places,

avoiding all public transport
(unless you have to use it)
and the shared, confined spaces
in which you work.

A socially distanced meeting
is permissible with ONE person
(possibly more, maybe fewer)
from another household,

but this must only take place
either in a park, on desolate wasteland,
or in the BBQs and Grills section
of a local garden centre.

Clarity and precision are vital
at this time. Please see
the accompanying 50-page booklet
for further details.

Kindness

Some poems

To recap what we now know: it did not begin
in a laboratory in Wuhan, nor with a pangolin or bat,
but it already lay dormant within us, like a seed
in need of certain conditions to grow;

its symptoms are many and various,
and may include some, or all, of the following:
tear drops, sudden laughter, a feeling of warmth,
and a peculiar uplifting of the heart;

it leaves its traces everywhere: from boxes
left on doorsteps to conversations over fences;
it can be transmitted over vast distances,
through a phone call, or from a smile across a street,

or a certain softness of tone spoken beside
a hospital bed; it affects young and old equally;
there is no race or gender immune from it;
it has the power to topple bad governments;

if one person were to pass it on to just three others
and they, in turn, were to pass it on to three more,
in no time at all, the world would be full of it,
and where, might we ask ourselves, would we be then.

Spokesperson for the Department of Positive Thinking

Some poems

… but let’s not dwell on all of that.
Now is hardly the time for tears or frowns.
We would like to share with you the latest figures,
which show shoplifting is down.

And the good news doesn’t stop there.
Car crime and burglary have declined the same.
Our social distancing strategy has begun to pay off,
pickpocketing is on the wane.

The economy is booming.
We’ve seen huge market growth for sanitiser gel.
And the video-conference company (in which I have a half-share)
is performing rather well.

It’s also a wonderful time for rescue remedy makers
and anxiety pill suppliers;
whilst anyone manufacturing PPE knows
demand has never been higher.

So, no, it’s not all doom and gloom!
Let us leave that to the negatrons!
Everything has been going entirely to plan.
Keep calm, good people, and carry on.

Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure

Some poems

High temperature? Continuous cough?
A stubborn fever you can’t shake off?
Does it feel like you’re at death’s door?
Try Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure™.

DEVELOPED in conjunction
with THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF QUACKERY,
(not to mention several large daiquiris),
and FORMULATED by bogus MEDICS,
it will give you INSTANT relief
from the MOST DEADLY pandemics.

Is your throat as sore as hell?
Lost your sense of taste or smell?
Feel a pressure on your lungs?
From the makers of Dr Trump’s Magic Sponge™ …

Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure™
UTILIZES the latest in CURE TECHNOLOGY,
its SECRET FORMULA perfected through centuries
by APPALACHIAN monks,
schooled in the MYSTERIES of HEAT and LIGHT
and the RESTORATIVE POWERS of bleach.

Are you worried that it’s the end?
Can’t see that you’ll ever mend?
Think you’re going to die for sure?
Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure™

is CLINICALLY PROVEN
to improve recovery times from death,
and is almost a cleaning,
working up to FIFTEEN SECONDS FASTER
than other less miraculous cures.
It can be YOURS for as little as $174.95.

FREE Dr Trump BASEBALL CAP with every purchase.

Robert Smith’s Lockdown Diary

Some poems

I don’t know if Monday’s blue.
It could be Tuesday. Wednesday, too.
Or Friday, I don’t have a clue.
But Thursday’s when I clap.

Monday, I don’t want to blame.
Tuesday, Wednesday not defame.
Nor Friday – every day’s the same,
But Thursday’s when I clap.

The weekend’s scrapped.
No Saturday, Sunday. It’s left a gap.
Thursdays, I never cease to clap.

I don’t know if Monday’s black.
A weekly schedule’s what I lack.
My sense of time’s not coming back,
But Thursday’s when I clap.

Chronologies I disavow.
Tuesday’s Wednesday, I don’t know how.
Friday’s just like Monday now.
But Thursday’s when I clap.