Thirty days hath September,
April, June and November.
Unless a leap year is its fate,
February hath twenty-eight.
All the rest hath three days more,
excepting January,
which hath six thousand,
one hundred and eighty-four.
Selected poems
Job Interview with a Cat
Selected poemsTell me, what is it about this position that interests you?
The warmth, perhaps? The security?
Or the power you must feel by rendering me useless?
Feel free to expand if you wish.
I see you have had experience of similar positions.
Can you talk about a time when you got someone’s tongue?
Or were set amongst the pigeons?
Have you ever found yourself in a bag only then to be let out of it?
Tell me, how would you feel if you had to walk on hot bricks?
What about a tin roof of similar temperature?
With reference to any of your past lives,
has curiosity ever killed you?
Finally, where do you see yourself in five years?
In the same position? Or higher up to catch the sunlight?
Or would you like to be where I am now?
Oh, it appears you already are.
Needles
Selected poemsAnnual reminder to water your tree poems this Christmas.
Today I shall listen to the news
Selected poemsToday I shall listen to the news and the football scores
and the tally of the dead. Intermittently, I shall pick
at the crossword and the biscuit tin, and stare out
of my back window at a squirrel as he scurries along
my fence. Later, there may be a film to watch. But for now
I shall listen to the prospects for a Liverpool team
looking to bounce back from a disappointing midweek defeat,
the rising unemployment figures, and the tally of the dead,
while attempting to make inroads with the north-west quadrant.
It is thought likely for there to be some changes made
to the side which started on Wednesday evening. I shall
be brought team news from all the featured grounds today
amid continued concerns over travel this Christmas, and
the failings of Test and Trace. It is regretted that in the present
circumstances, my newspaper is unable to process
crossword prize entries. Tomorrow, I shall buy some
more biscuits and possibly a pint of milk, and listen
to the news and the football scores and the tally of the dead.
On Hearing the News that You’re a Great Big Loser
Selected poemsSchadenfreude is an ugly trait,
to enjoy another’s ill-starred fate.
In the sea of life, we’re all storm-tossed,
and yet … ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, you lost!
I don’t quite know what happened there:
to laugh at losers isn’t fair.
To win with grace, that’s best by far,
but … ha, ha, tee-hee! Ha, ha, ha!
I apologise for that outburst
but it just slipped out, unrehearsed.
I need to show more dignity.
However … ha, ha, ha! Tee-hee-hee!
Ha! Laughter is a wondrous thing!
What a gift – tee-hee! – of joy you bring!
You’ve brightened up – ha ha! – my day.
Ha ha, tee-hee! … now go away.
Conservative Party HQ Lunchtime Menu
Selected poemsDeprived shrimps
Money-glazed smirked ham
Scorn fritters
*
Battered electorate,
with a basket of crushed hopes
and slow-cooked fatigue
Half-baked notions,
idling on a soft bed of privilege,
served with a thick faux pas sauce
Kids in blankets,
deep-famished, with a deprivation of vegetables
and a relish reduction
Toads in the hole,
with golden hand-outs in a thick rich gravy
(self-serving only)
*
Eton Mess
Fudge (ten different flavours)
Gatherings
Selected poemsAll gatherings
of six or more
shall henceforth be
against the law
with NO exceptions
to these rules
(apart, that is,
from work and schools).
If we don’t act NOW,
the future’s bleak.
This takes effect
some time next week.
On Looking at My Calendar
Selected poems
Dominic Cummings: The Lockdown Tour
Selected poemsHe’s been locking down in London,
And a bit in Durham, too.
Not to mention Barnard Castle,
Legoland and Bristol Zoo.
He’s been locking down in Stoke-on-Trent
And Weston-super-Mare.
He’s spread himself quite thin of late.
He’s been spreading everywhere.
He’s been locking down in Basildon,
In Derby, Penge and Rome.
Wherever he lays his beanie hat,
That’s his lockdown home.
He’s more spreadable than margarine.
He’s been spreading far and wide.
He’ll be locking down in your town soon:
Spread the word and stay inside.
Notes and Clarifications
Selected poemsLet’s be very clear about this,
you should stay inside,
except for those occasions
when you go outside.
You should work from home
unless, that is, you cannot;
in which case you should work
in other places,
avoiding all public transport
(unless you have to use it)
and the shared, confined spaces
in which you work.
A socially distanced meeting
is permissible with ONE person
(possibly more, maybe fewer)
from another household,
but this must only take place
either in a park, on desolate wasteland,
or in the BBQs and Grills section
of a local garden centre.
Clarity and precision are vital
at this time. Please see
the accompanying 50-page booklet
for further details.
