Assorted Poems

Comparative Guidance for Social Distancing

Assorted Poems, Some poems

Just remember it’s:
The length of a musk ox or fully-grown llama
Three Rubik’s Cubes plus one Keir Starmer
Eleven seven-inch singles by Bananarama
That’s what two metres is.

Alternatively, it’s:
1/ 192,199,930th of a single moon beam
2.2 times greater than Munch’s The Scream
About 10½ packets of custard creams
That’ll be two metres.

If easier, think:
Thirty-three pairs of dragonfly wings
The length of a yoga mat belonging to Sting
Two one-metre long pieces of string
That comes to two metres.

Or failing that, imagine:
0.00000091 of the coast of mainland Wales
18.2648402 cricket bails
One and a quarter Prunella Scales
That’s two metres.

Cat under Lockdown

Assorted Poems, Some poems

My cat has been adapting to the lockdown
rather well, it must be said.

She leaves the sofa for very limited purposes,
exercising once a day in the flowerbeds,

never failing to wash her paws
for at least two hours upon her return.

She no longer meets friends or relatives
who do not live in her home,

but contents herself in catching up with them
on Skype or Zoom. Should other cats

intrude on her territory, she’s always careful
to maintain her social hiss stance,

and she deplores the action of her neighbour
who has been stockpiling mice for weeks.

She bears it all with great fortitude
although she knows everything is changed,

and, when the ambulances go by,
they will wake her and she will look at me

as if to say, don’t worry, I’m here,
I have no plans to go anywhere.

Diary of a Somebody – now out in paperback

Assorted Poems, News

Here’s a mildly dull, information-based post to let you know that my latest book ‘Diary of a Somebody’ is now out in paperback.

It was shortlisted for the 2019 Costa First Novel Award.

It’s available in all bookshops – and here are links to the book through some of the online booksellers.

Amazon

Blackwell’s

Book Depository

Hive

Waterstones

Wordery

Foyles

Here endeth this boring promotional post.

Vocabulary

Assorted Poems, Some poems

He chose his words carefully.
Each one a gun, a grenade or a knife.
Beneath the rattle and stutter,
the swagger and bluster,
lay a bruise, an assault, and a life.

Diary of a Somebody

Assorted Poems, News

Today is Publication Day for my new book, ‘Diary of a Somebody’. I hope you may find it in a bookshop near you; or failing that, an online bookshop near you, such as one of these:

Hive

Waterstones

Amazon

And here are a few nice things that have been said about it so far:

“At last, a genuinely funny comic novel.” The Times

“Brian Bilston turns the base metal of comic verse into gold.” The Guardian

“A brilliant comic novel.” The Spectator

“One of the funniest novels for years.” Reader’s Digest

The Last Bee

Assorted Poems, Some poems

After the last ee
had uzzed its last uzz,

the irds and the utterflies
did what they could.

ut soon the fields lay are,
few flowers were left,

nature was roken,
and the planet ereft.

Unseen Poem

Assorted Poems, Some poems

OK. Turn the page. Right, here goes …
The first line’s straightforward, I suppose.
At least I know what the words all mean.
It has an AA BB rhyming scheme.
 
What’s that French word for when one line
runs into the next? Jambon? Never mind.
Susan Jenkins is smiling, I bet she knows.
Oh great! Now the rhymes have disappeared
 
and the language is getting more obfuscatory
by the stanza. The voice keeps changing.
At first, it was confident. But now it’s confused
uncertain (?) and … hesitant?
 
and as for this bit
what was the poet even thinking?
 
(personally, i think
they must have been drinking)
 
Susan Jenkins needs more paper.
I hate her. There are ten minutes left.
What’s this poem all about anyway?
No idea. I shall just have to guess.
 
I’ll say it’s a metaphor for death.

Announcements

Assorted Poems, Some poems

We would like to apologise for the delay.
This is due to the wrong kind of deal,
which indeed is any kind of deal
that might make your forward journey possible
at this time.
 
Passengers are advised to seek
alternative countries
where available.

We would like to apologise for the delay.
This is due to a mechanical fault
in the machinery of government.
A team of engineers is working to fix this problem.
We hope to continue on our journey
in the autumn of 2055.

Passengers are advised
that a government replacement service
will not be operating on these routes
at this time.

We would like to apologise for the delay.
This is due to leavers on the line.
A buffet car serving refreshments,
including hot and cold snacks,
will not be available.

Passengers are advised
to somehow keep their sense of belonging with them
at all times.
 
We would like to apologise for the delay,
signalling failure
at this time.

Diary of a Somebody

Assorted Poems, News

I’m really pleased to announce that my new book ‘Diary of a Somebody’ will be publishing in June with Picador.

The novel takes the form of a diary interspersed with about 150 poems and explores themes such as love and death, crime and punishment, family and loneliness, Wittgenstein and custard creams.

It’s available for pre-ordering from any bookseller. The page below provides good links to some of the online sellers:

https://www.panmacmillan.com/authors/brian-bilston/diary-of-a-somebody/9781529005547

It’s been lucky enough to receive some kind early reviews. Here are a few of them:

‘Nobody must find out about this unique gem, because I’m giving it to EVERYONE, and I want to appear clever and discerning. It’s a very funny/touching/novel/ poetry kinda book all about the big/little stuff, and above all, it’s eminently wrappable.’

Dawn French

‘Glorious. I will be astonished if I read a more original, more inventive or funnier novel this year.’

Adam Kay, author of ‘This is Going to Hurt’

‘The English comic novel, whose death this year was announced prematurely, is actually alive, well and in the safe hands of Brian Bilston. Here is a wonderful, laugh-out-loud comedy of suburban despair in the great tradition of David Nobbs and Sue Townsend. And it comes, of course, with the added bonus of Bilston’s poetry, sparkling here with all the wit, intelligence and humanity that has won him more than 50,000 followers on Twitter.’

Jonathan Coe, author of ‘Middle England’

‘Highly original, genuinely funny and clever, with a gentle humanity in between the lines. Brian Bilson should be Poet Laureate.’

John O’Farrell

‘In the future a new word will enter the language: a Bilston, which will denote one of those times in the day when we see the world from a perspective that is strange, wonderful and packed with a kind of gleaming joy. This book is a clock ticking with Bilstons.’

Ian MacMillan

I’ll stop talking about it now.

Thanks,

Brian