poetry

A o m in hich I tar to r n o t of hara t r

Selected poems

Out of Character

having noticed one day
his keyboard was dirty,
he reached for the soap spray
and gave it a SQWERTY,
before scrubbing away
‘til each letter was clean
in ignorant bliss of
having wrec ed his machine –

for the  eys which once wor ed
no  grad ally did not
and the more that he ty ed
the  orse it all got
so that as the close
of his  oem dre  near,
as he  atched every s mbol,
e ery sign disa  ear,
he felt li e a  ostman
at the end of hi  ro nd,
 ith barel  a lette
in hi  bag to b  fo nd.

A poem in which I attempt to write an abecedarian poem in praise of the dictionary

Selected poems

An Attempt to Write an Abecedarian Poem in Praise of the Dictionary 

An unfaltering ability to 
Bring clarity to the English language 
Constitutes your  
Defining quality. 
Ever since the day we 
First met and I 
Giggled at the rude words  
Hidden amongst your pages, 
I adored you,  
Jubilant in the 
Knowledge that things were 
Looking up. You offered me the 
Meaning of life, 
Not to mention the meaning of all those 
Other words, too. 
Perfect at settling Scrabble board 
Quarrels, your judgement 
Reigns supreme. I 
Sift you daily, panning for words in 
The hope of penning the  
Ultimate – the greatest poem this  
Vast world has ever seen, but 
Whoa, here comes the 
X, and oh, alphabet, how could you, I knew 
You’d get the better of me 
Zooner or later. 

Poem about how to monetise your social media followers

Selected poems

Monetisation

The advert said 
MONETISE YOUR FOLLOWERS 
so he thought 
he would respond

by painting them 
in the changing light, 
like waterlilies 
in a pond.

A poem about the power of poetry to change the world

Selected poems

The Power of Poetry

with things falling apart
and anarchy let loose,

it was only poetry, he found,
which had any use,

so he reached for his copy  
of The Complete Works of Yeats

and bludgeoned the President
of the United States

Poem concerning a new year dilemma

Selected poems

My Unbearable Politeness of Being

It’s the same dilemma
every year, I find,
upon meeting a person
for the first time,

for how long
does wishing them
a Happy New Year
remain de rigueur?

Perhaps I blow things
out of proportion
but I tend to err
on the side of caution

so I’ve always
Happy New Year-ed
until October the Third.

Poem which takes the form of a prayer

Selected poems

Prayer for Uninteresting Times

Send me a slow news day,
a quiet, subdued day,
in which nothing much happens of note,
save for the passing of time,
the consumption of wine,
and a re-run of Murder, She Wrote.

Grant me a no news day,
a spare-me-your-views day,
in which nothing much happens at all,
except a few hours together
some regional weather,
a day we can barely recall.

Poem for anyone going back to work today

Selected poems

New Year Office Chitchat

How was your Christmas?
you ask

and I think of
the bloodstained rug

and the silent scraping
of the spade

in the garden
at midnight

and the wash wash
washing of my hands

and the dreams,
those endless dreams

which haunt
the night-time

and smudge
their thumbprints

on the day
to come

and I reply
Super, thanks. Yours?

Poem with a subliminal message …

Selected poems

Resolution

Having failed to keep
A new year’s resolution for
Pretty much ever, this year I resolve to
Play it safe. The trick is to know
Your limits. Keep it simple.

Now what I resolve to do is to
Eschew a poetic form. Abstain from
Writing an acrostic for a whole

Year. A resolution, I think,
Easily done. Eminently achievable.
A piece of cake. Oh,
Rats.

This was the year that was not the year

Selected poems

This was the year that was not the year

This was the year that was not the year 
I repaired the bathroom tap 
and emptied out the kitchen drawer 
of a lifetime’s worth of crap. 

This was the year that was not the year
in which I launched a new career. 
A West End hit eluded me 
as did Time Person of the Year. 

This was the year that was not the year 
I became a household name. 
Action figures were not sold of me.
I wasn’t made a dame. 

This was the year that was not the year
I spent less time on my phone. 
A night of passion did not happen 
in a boutique hotel in Rome. 

This was the year that was the year 
I didn’t get that much done –
much the same as the year before, 
much like the one to come.