poems

Newsletter – September 2026

News

Dear doughty subscriber,

Summer is over. Or at least it is for those who subscribe to a meteorological definition of the seasons. Those of a more astronomical bent still have a couple of weeks of summer remaining, presumably to make hay while the sun shines; unless, that is, they’ve already made their hay in late June when climactic conditions are optimal for such an activity. Meanwhile antipodean types are blowing out their cheeks and preparing to inform me that it’s winter or spring, or some such, I don’t know, it’s a long way from where I am right now, this time stuff is hard, and everyone seems to have an opinion.

There is, however, one thing at least we can all agree upon: it is now September*. 

Poem

the calendar flipped
with a gust
of air and with august
no longer there,

in swept the song
of spry September
with its breezy back-to-school
septimbre

* with the exception of those countries whose temporal systems do not conform to the Gregorian calendar.

Regardless, time is passing, another year is speeding by, and the hidden cameras have yet to clock it. 

Toby

It would soon be January again.

She did not know where the year had gone.

Eventually she found it
hidden away
in an old shoebox
under the bed,
along with 1997
and 2005.

Toby.
He had taken the best years of her life.


That poem comes from my first collection, You Took the Last Bus Home which – in another trick of time – celebrates its tenth birthday this month. I’ve been sharing poems from this book on social media over the last week or so – many of which are short and quite silly, indicative of their origin on Twitter, created in more innocent times when only one tweet in four on that platform was overtly racist.

I had no ambition to see my poems in print; they were written mainly to amuse myself or to distract from work (I used to have a proper job) and other burdens of being a grown-up. But then a crowd-funding publisher came along, suggested I scoop them up into something resembling a book and see whether anyone might be vaguely interested in the project. To my amazement and eternal gratitude, several hundred people were. The book got published and has somehow gone on to sell over 60,000 copies. It was a life-changing moment for me, not dissimilar from that experienced by Vince in another of the poems in the collection:

Invincible Vince

The day he got
the neck brace,
life changed for Vince

and he’s never really
looked back since.

Fringe Benefits

Thank to everyone who came along to my shows in Edinburgh at the end of last month. The whole experience was a joy, not least because I got to see lots of brilliant shows, including David O’Doherty, Spencer Jones, Daniel Cainer, and Flo & Joan. Another real highlight was Rob Auton’s show Jupiter, in which he plays the role of an estate agent on the planet Jupiter. He’s touring with it next year and a list of his dates is here.

I’d like to be able to share a poem with you about Jupiter but I don’t have one. The closest I can get – about 3 billion miles away – is this one, about the erstwhile planet Pluto.


A Small Restructuring

Ah, Pluto. Thanks for coming in this morning.
Do take a seat. Coffee? That’s super. Terrific.
So how are things out there on the Kuiper Belt?
Not too cold and lonely, I hope? Wonderful.

Now I know you’re a busy celestial body
so I shall keep this short. Nothing to worry about,
it’s just that we’ve been having a bit of a rethink
here at the Astronomical Union, taking a fresh look

at our options, a small restructuring as it were,
and we’d like to offer you a new role,
one which we feel might be more appropriate
for someone with your skillset and, ahem,

proportions. In our dwarf planet department.
No, no, no! You’re still very much part of the team.
It’s just that … well, the thing is you haven’t been clearing
your neighbouring region of other objects

and you’ve had a few billion years to do so.
Don’t get me wrong! Your orbiting around the Sun
has been first-class. And we have no doubts whatsoever
concerning your hydrostatic equilibrium.

No, we are not being sizeist. Times change, that’s all
and we need to be more stringent with our nomenclature.
Anyhow, best be getting on. I’ve got Earth to see next.
Now there’s a planet who does have problems.

Autumn Tour Q&A

Sadly, Pluto is not one of the places I shall be visiting on my autumn tour, although I will be going to Guildford. It kicks off later this month and continues until early December. I’ve had a lot of questions about the tour so I thought I’d pick off a handful this month with a few more to follow over the next couple of newsletters.

Q. I’ve seen you before. Why should I bother coming to see you again?

A. This is a brand new show, with lots of new poems and at least three new jokes. Yes, there will be some older poems in there – it would be remiss of me not to include a few old bangers – but the focus is on my new book, How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside. Also, it’ll be better this time, I hadn’t eaten properly that day and had no idea my flies were undone.

Q. You never come to Wales. What have you got against it?

A. I have nothing against Wales. In fact, I shall be visiting Monmouth, Aberystwyth, Cardigan and Cardiff as part of this tour.

Q. I mean, why do you never come to the precise bit of Wales in which I live?

A. It is difficult to visit every settlement. The size of Wales should not be underestimated; in fact, you could fit a country the size of Wales in it.

Q. Will you be reading this poem on your tour?

Remembrance of Things Pasta

She blew her fusilli,
my pretty penne,
when she found me watching 
daytime tagliatelle.

Je ne spaghetti rien,
I responded in song,
but she did not linguini
for long,

just walked out
without further retort:
a hard lesson to be tortellini,
orzo I thought.

And so here I am,
all on my macaroni,
and now my days
feel cannelloni.

A. No.

Q. Is there any chance you can list all of your tour dates with convenient links so I can purchase ten tickets for each show for me and my friends?

A. Okay, then …

September

20th MORECAMBE POETRY FESTIVAL  Tickets
23rd: MONMOUTH: Savoy Theatre  Tickets
24th: ABERYSTWYTH: Arts Centre  Tickets
25th: CARDIGAN: Mwldan  Tickets
26th: WINCHESTER: Guildhall  Tickets
27th: GUILDFORD: Yvonne Arnaud Theatre  Last Few Tickets
30th: HARPENDEN: Eric Morecambe Centre  Tickets

October

1st: COVENTRY: Warwick Arts Centre  Tickets
2nd: DARWEN: Darwen Library Theatre  Tickets
3rd: ILKLEY LITERATURE FESTIVAL  Tickets
4th: MALTON: Milton Rooms  Tickets
7th: CROYDON: Fairfield Ashcroft Theatre  Tickets
8th: DEAL: Astor Theatre SOLD OUT 
9th: NORWICH: The Halls  Tickets
10th: COLCHESTER: Arts Centre  SOLD OUT
14th: LOUGHBOROUGH: MMC  SOLD OUT
15th: MANCHESTER: Stoller Hall  Tickets
16th: ULVERSTON: Coronation Hall  Tickets
21st: KIDDERMINSTER: Town Hall  Tickets
22nd: GLASGOW: Mackintosh Queen’s Cross  Tickets
23rd: ABERDEEN: The Lemon Tree  Tickets
24th: STIRLING: Tolbooth  Last Few Tickets
28th: STAMFORD: Corn Exchange  Tickets
29th: BURY ST EDMUNDS: The Apex  Last Few Tickets
30th: CORSHAM: Pound Arts Centre  SOLD OUT  
31st: OXFORD: The North Wall  SOLD OUT

November

4th: WORTHING: Pavilion  Tickets
6th: BELLAGHY: Seamus Heaney HomePlace SOLD OUT
7th: BELLAGHY: Seamus Heaney HomePlace SOLD OUT
11th: LEEDS: City Varieties  Last Few Tickets
12th: SUNDERLAND: The Fire Station  Tickets
13th: HELMSLEY: Arts Centre SOLD OUT
14th: POCKLINGTON: Arts Centre SOLD OUT
15th: SHEFFIELD: Memorial Hall  Tickets
18th: OXFORD: The North Wall  SOLD OUT
19th: STROUD: Sub Rooms  Last Few Tickets
20th: BRIDPORT: Electric Palace  Tickets
21st: EXETER: Corn Exchange  Last Few Tickets
22nd: BUDE: The Parkhouse Centre  Tickets
25th: NEWARK: Palace Theatre  Last Few Tickets
26th: BAKEWELL: Town Hall  Last Few Tickets
27th: CHORLEY: Chorley Theatre  Last Few Tickets
28th: LIVERPOOL: Tung Auditorium  Last Few Tickets
30th: BRISTOL: St George’s  Last Few Tickets

December

1st: CARDIFF: Glee Club  Tickets
4th: LONDON: Union Chapel  Last Few Tickets

And finally …

By the time you’ve managed to plough your way through this month’s newsletter, September may very nearly be over. But before it is, pause for a moment on 27th: that’s Tourism Day, an annual event aimed at spreading awareness of the importance of sustainable tourism. Here’s a poem to accompany it.


Short Poem for Tourism Day

Tourists wait in line
to enter Machu Picchu.
Oh look! A high queue.


I’m very sorry about that.

Until next month,
Brian

P.S. If, for some strange reason, you would like to subscribe to this newsletter and get future editions delivered to your email inbox, you can do so here: https://brianbilston.com/newsletter/

A poem about bags

Selected poems

Bags

you have bags
of bags

collecting bags
must be your bag

because you have bags
with nothing in them
except bags,
inside of which are other bags,
full of bags

you have enough bags for life
for a hundred lifetimes –
if there were a prize for the total number of tote bags
you would totes have it
in the bag

don’t know why you need so many bags
when all you ever put in them
are other bags

A poem about my experience of ‘travelling’ on Britain’s railways

Selected poems

The Poet Now Standing at Platform 3A

The poet now standing at platform 3A
is the delayed 14.30 speaker for the Wits’ End Poetry Festival,
calling at: Longwaite; Anguish; Bleakside;
Much Wallowing-in-the-Mire; Little Hope;
Hangdog Manor; High Dudgeon; Irk; Fuckham; Mope;
Doldrum Parkway; Wearyside Central; and Wits’ End.

We are sorry to announce this poet is delayed
by approximately one hour and fifteen minutes.
Please listen for further announcements.
We apologise for the inconvenience this may cause.

The poet now standing at platform 3A
is the delayed 14.30 speaker for the Wits’ End Poetry Festival.
Please note, this poet will now NOT be stopping at:
Great Ease; Serenity Junction; or Arrival-on-Time.

This poet has been delayed by approximately one hour
and forty-eight minutes.
Customers are advised to stand well back from the poet,
who’s on edge.
Please listen for further announcements.
We apologise for the disruption to your journey today.

The poet currently standing at platform 3A
is the delayed 14.30 speaker for the Wits’ End Poetry Festival.
This poet consists of nine elements:
oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, tedium, delirium,
odium, caffeine, shortbread, and despair.

A trolley service, featuring mild palpitations
and a selection of hot and cold sweats,
is trundling through this poet.

This poet has been delayed by approximately two hours
and twenty-three minutes.
Please listen for further disruptions.
We apologise for the announcements to your journey today.

There has been a platform altercation.
The agony at platform 3A does not stop here.
The 14.30 speaker for the Wits’ End Poetry Festival has been disrupted.
Customers should not bore the poet at this time.

The platform now standing on poet 3A has been delayed
by approximately three hours and forty-two minutes.
We apologise for the apologies to your disruptions today.

If you hear an announcement that doesn’t sound right,
seek your stash. Or text a local dealer on 61016
to help you through this.
He’ll sort it. Seek it. Pay it. Snorted.

Please note that for your safety and comfort
this station operates a no trains policy.

The festival now standing at poet 14.30 is the delayed
3A speaker for the Wits’ End Poetry platform.
We are sorry to announce that this poet has been waylaid
by approximately four hours and twenty-two minutes.
Will passengers intending to travel on this service
make their way to the platform as the poet is now ready to jump.

Please note that longings must not be left unattended at this station.
Any hope left unattended may be removed without warning, or destroyed.

This is a customer announcement.
The 14.30 speaker for the Wits’ End Poetry Festival has terminated here.
A bard replacement service will be in operation.
We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.

Look … a book

News

Dead chuffed to have taken delivery today of advance copies of ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’, which comes out next month.
As ever, Picador have done a fabulous job in bringing my work to the printed page.

A photo of my new book ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’. It’s a beautiful hardback edition in gold / yellow colours featuring an illustration on the front of a man looking up at a wooden horse which has a body shaped like an egg.

Incredibly, it’s my tenth book. I don’t quite know how that has happened.

Thanks to everyone for having indulged me for so long.

A photo of all my ten books together in a pile on a shelf: How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside Days Like These Refugees Alexa, what is there to know about love? Diary of a Somebody You Took the Last Bus Home Let Sleeping Cats Lie 50 Ways to Score a Goal And So This is Christmas A Poem for Every Question

You Took the Last Bus Home

News, Selected poems

I took delivery yesterday of some advance copies of the gorgeous new edition of ‘You Took the Last Bus Home’.

In celebration of that, here’s the title poem …

You Took the Last Bus Home

you took
the last bus home
don’t know how
you got it through the door 

you’re always doing amazing stuff 

like the time

you caught that train

Nights of music and poetry …

News

One tour may have just finished but here’s news of another one coming soon …

I’m delighted to announce that this autumn I’ll be going on tour with The Catenary Wires, for some fun-filled evenings of music and poetry. We’ll be performing our album ‘Sounds Made by Humans’, and there’ll be poems from me and music from the band throughout the night.

Most of the gigs are in November, with a few either side. We’ll be coming to Banbury, Brighton, Bristol, Chorley, Glasgow, Herne Bay, Liverpool, London, Manchester, Milton Keynes, Newcastle, Norwich, Nottingham, Otley, Pocklington, Ramsgate, Sheffield, Stamford, Swansea, and Worcester.

Tickets have gone on sale this morning. For the full list of shows and links to tickets, you can find them all here:

Events

And here are few review snippets of ‘Sounds Made by Humans’:

“[An] album of the year.” Backseat Mafia

“An instant cult classic. 5/5” Louder Than War

“Filled to the rafters with wit and smart hooks.” Here Comes the Flood

Hope to see some of you there.

Brian

Sounds Made by Humans

News

Some exciting news …

I’ve been collaborating (well, having fun) with a brilliant band, The Catenary Wires, who have very cleverly put some of my poems to music. The result is an album of thirteen songs to be released on 9th May on Skep Wax Records. It’s called ‘Sounds Made by Humans’.

It can be pre-ordered now on vinyl and CD here: https://linktr.ee/brianbilston and it will also be available for streaming and download.

The LP features some of my most popular poems ‘Alexa, what is there to know about love?’, ‘She’d Dance’, ‘To Do List’, ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adulting’, alongside many more timeless, toe-tapping classics.

You can hear a sneak preview of ‘Alexa, what is there to know about love?’ here: https://brianbilstonandthecatenarywires.bandcamp.com/track/alexa-what-is-there-to-know-about-love

The album can be pre-ordered now on vinyl and CD, and includes a full colour insert with lyrics, illustrated by Elodie Ginsburg. It will also be available for streaming and download. Some places where you can pre-order:

BANDCAMP: https://brianbilstonandthecatenarywires.bandcamp.com/album/sounds-made-by-humans-2

SHOPIFY: https://skepwax.myshopify.com/products/brian-bilston-and-the-catenary-wires-sounds-made-by-humans-album?variant=50478896906579

ROUGH TRADE: https://www.roughtrade.com/product/brian-bilston-and-the-catenary-wires/sounds-made-by-humans

We’re really proud of it; so much so that there are plans afoot to take it on tour in the UK in November. I’ll share details of those dates with you when confirmed.

*The Catenary Wires are a group comprising Amelia Fletcher, Rob Pursey and Ian Button. Their critically acclaimed third album ‘Birling Gap’ was released in 2021. Since then, they have been focusing on their other bands, playing around the world with Heavenly (icons of the 90s indiepop scene) and Swansea Sound.

Let Sleeping Cats Lie – out now

News

It’s UK publication day for ‘Let Sleeping Cats Lie’, my collection of poems about pets.

I wrote the for book children, aged between 7 and 95, and it’s available through all the usual bookshop places. You can find some of the online retailers here: https://linktr.ee/brianbilston

There are a few signed copies knocking about, too. Here’s a small list of some of the independent bookshops who have signed copies: https://linktr.ee/letsleepingcatslie

Anyway, that’s about all I have to say on the matter so I shall finish writing this post now.

Days Like These in North America

News

At last! I’m delighted to announce that my most recent book Days Like These is finally available for pre-order in North America. It will officially publish there in hardcover on 5th December and is available through all good bookstores and also Amazon.

It contains a poem for every day of the year, each one inspired by an event associated with that day – from the invention of television to World Bee Day; from the first appearance of Barbie to the banning of flirting in New York; from Independence Day to the first transatlantic phone call.

Subjects I’ve written about along the way include: quarks, morse code, Wittgenstein, bananas, unicorns, the unification of Italy, the Rubik’s Cube, water, Waiting for Godot, the moon, Jane Austen, Esperanto, beer, Doris Day, Lego, kindness, Pluto (the ex-planet not the dog) and Elvis.

Days Like These joins You Took the Last Bus Home, Alexa, what is there to know about love? and Refugees in being available in North America.

Sorry to mention the C word but my book of Christmas poems– And So This is Christmas –  which publishes in the UK in October won’t be available in print in North America until next year (presumably to prevent too much excitement happening in any one year).

And for those of you outside of North America, Days Like These publishes in paperback on 9th November: https://uk.bookshop.org/a/295/9781035001668

Autumn tour

News

I’m very excited to announce details of a series of new shows (aka ‘a tour’) taking place this autumn, in which I’ll be reading poems and making shrewd observations about the human condition and/or bin day.

There are around 30 dates and tickets are on sale now. Details & links are here …

Events and Shows

Tickets are now available for:
Banbury; Belfast; Bellaghy; Bridport; Brighton; Buxton; Cheltenham; Chippenham; Chorley; Clevedon; Colchester; Crickhowell; Frome; Kendal; Liverpool; Lytham St Annes; Milton Keynes; Norwich; Otley; Painswick; Pocklington; Sale; Selby; Sheffield; Stamford; Sudbury; Swindon; Worcester.

Caerphilly and Deal will be on sale soon.

I’ll also be at various festivals from the late Spring onwards. More on that, when I have all the details.

Finally, this month I’ll be at the Laugharne Weekend in Carmarthenshire, (24-26th March) and then in Newcastle on 28th. Tickets are still available for both.