Tourists wait in lines
to enter Machu Picchu,
forming a high queue.
haiku
Your 2017 Haiku Horoscopes
Capricorn
Trousers start to sag
as your pockets bulge with coins.
A year of much change.
Aquarius
You join the circus.
Retrain as tightrope walker.
Good work-life balance.
Pisces
You leave the city
to become a sheep shearer.
New year, a new ewe.
Aries
On Twitter you find
your new haiku horoscope.
It tells you little.
Taurus
You hate your star sign.
Disgruntled, you convert to
Capricornism.
Gemini
Mars enters the sphere
of concupiscent Venus.
Not sure what that means.
Cancer
The year drifts past you
in TV shows and hot food.
Netflix and chilli.
Leo
You date all your cheques
with the year twenty sixteen
until November.
Virgo
You stare at your phone,
look up briefly in July,
then stare at your phone
Libra
At last you make it!
That flat pack IKEA desk
from their Croydon store.
Scorpio
You decide to stop
thinking about anagrams
and sort out your file.
Sagittarius
Year of good fortune.
Not once do you encounter
Jeremy Clarkson.
2016 Haiku Horoscopes
December 13: Nine Christmas Song Haikus
Haiku Horrorscopes
Haiku Horoscopes
ARIES
your attempts to breed
male sheep have unexpected
ramifications
TAURUS
your luck starts to change
when into your life comes a
dark handsome strangler
GEMINI
mercury enters
the charts at number six; you
get it on iTunes
CANCER
you realise that
all horoscopes are nonsense;
feel crabby all week
LEO
your hair turns curly
and you have a surprise hit
with When I Need You
VIRGO
the crowds gasp at your
Cliff Thorburn and Doug Mountjoy
impersonations
LIBRA
you don’t return all
of the letters you borrowed
from the library
SCORPIO
reading horoscopes
in the newspaper, you bump
into a lamppost
SAGITTARIUS
you break with your strict
Sagittarian diet
and eat a Virgo
CAPRICORN
you see Colin Firth
on a bus in Northampton
but don’t talk to him
AQUARIUS
you forget which star
sign you are because you’re not
that interested
PISCES
a nightclub visit
fails when there is no-one to
pick up the pisces
Haiku #478629
as he left the train,
he remembered to take all
his longing with him.
Twelve Haiku
Instructions
Please choose the haiku
which applies the most to you.
Choose two get one free.
I
Subbuteo man.
Legs broken. Re-glued twice.
A fragile sadness.
II
A leaf, desolate,
wind-blown, stuck to the back of
Bruce Forsyth’s toupée.
III
A note left hanging
in the cold night air, dispatched
from a flugelhorn.
IV
Unclaimed bag revolves
on a lonely carousel
A hopeless case.
V
Empty, vacant box
in someone else’s org chart.
Never to be filled.
VI
Imperfect haiku,
starts off quite well but ends one
syllable short.
VII
A tranquil puddle
into which splashes one of
Clarkson’s driving gloves.
VIII
A semi-colon
in a place where it really;
has no place to be.
IX
Reality show
contestant on a journey
back home to Skegness.
X
A smell which lingers,
vaguely reminiscent of
Adrian Chiles’ socks.
XI
The forlorn pathos
of an abandoned crossword
in a bin in Fife.
XII
A bag of Quavers,
offering cheesy comfort
but steeped in staleness.
untitled haiku
i don’t really
know what a haiku
is