It’s the same dilemma
every year, I find,
upon meeting a person
for the first time,
for how long
does wishing them
a Happy New Year
remain de rigueur?
Perhaps I blow things
out of proportion
but I tend to err
on the side of caution
so I’ve always
Happy New Year-ed
until October the Third.
How was your Christmas?
you ask
and I think of
the bloodstained rug
and the silent scraping
of the spade
in the garden
at midnight
and the wash wash
washing of my hands
and the dreams,
those endless dreams
which haunt
the night-time
and smudge
their thumbprints
on the day
to come
and I reply
Super, thanks. Yours?
Resolution
Having failed to keep
A new year’s resolution for
Pretty much ever, this year I resolve to
Play it safe. The trick is to know
Your limits. Keep it simple.
Now what I resolve to do is to
Eschew a poetic form. Abstain from
Writing an acrostic for a whole
Year. A resolution, I think,
Easily done. Eminently achievable.
A piece of cake. Oh,
Rats.
This was the year that was not the year
This was the year that was not the year
I repaired the bathroom tap
and emptied out the kitchen drawer
of a lifetime’s worth of crap.
This was the year that was not the year
in which I launched a new career.
A West End hit eluded me
as did Time Person of the Year.
This was the year that was not the year
I became a household name.
Action figures were not sold of me.
I wasn’t made a dame.
This was the year that was not the year
I spent less time on my phone.
A night of passion did not happen
in a boutique hotel in Rome.
This was the year that was the year
I didn’t get that much done –
much the same as the year before,
much like the one to come.
Capricorn
Trousers start to sag
as your pockets bulge with coins.
A year of much change.
Aquarius
You join the circus.
Retrain as tightrope walker.
Good work-life balance.
Pisces
You leave the city
to become a sheep shearer.
New year, a new ewe.
Aries
On Twitter you find
your new haiku horoscope.
It tells you little.
Taurus
You hate your star sign.
Disgruntled, you convert to
Capricornism.
Gemini
Mars enters the sphere
of concupiscent Venus.
Not sure what that means.
Cancer
The year drifts past you
in TV shows and hot food.
Netflix and chilli.
Leo
You date all your cheques
with the year twenty sixteen
until November.
Virgo
You stare at your phone,
look up briefly in July,
then stare at your phone
Libra
At last you make it!
That flat pack IKEA desk
from their Croydon store.
Scorpio
You decide to stop
thinking about anagrams
and sort out your file.
Sagittarius
Year of good fortune.
Not once do you encounter
Jeremy Clarkson.
