ARIES
your attempts to breed
male sheep have unexpected
ramifications

TAURUS
your luck starts to change
when into your life comes a
dark handsome strangler

GEMINI
mercury enters
the charts at number six; you
get it on iTunes

CANCER
you realise that
all horoscopes are nonsense;
feel crabby all week

LEO
your hair turns curly
and you have a surprise hit
with When I Need You

VIRGO
the crowds gasp at your
Cliff Thorburn and Doug Mountjoy
impersonations

LIBRA
you don’t return all
of the letters you borrowed
from the library

SCORPIO
reading horoscopes
in the newspaper, you bump
into a lamppost

SAGITTARIUS
you break with your strict
Sagittarian diet
and eat a Virgo

CAPRICORN
you see Colin Firth
on a bus in Northampton
but don’t talk to him

AQUARIUS
you forget which star
sign you are because you’re not
that interested

PISCES
a nightclub visit
fails when there is no-one to
pick up the pisces