To say that Damian
was sesquipedalian
would be an understatement
for there was no abatement
in his capacity for loquacity
and not one trace of temerity
in his pursuit
of verbal dexterity.
It was precisely this pomposity
mixed with verbosity
which made him describe
Kieran Thomas as “crepuscular”.
Kieran Thomas was also more muscular.
Damian nursed his black eye
and hoped Kieran
might be struck down with
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
Today is set to be agreeably alliterative
across an assortment of areas
although the occasional metaphor
may cause some faces to cloud.
Idioms will be coming down like stair rods
in northern regions, while the south
may experience the odd outbreak of similes,
like an unexpected shower of arrows.
In coastal, littoral, and seaside areas,
synonyms remain likely.
Further inland, sudden gusts of hyperbole
look set to take your breath away
and a series of scattered euphemisms
will have you reaching for your wellies.
If you’re driving, please be aware that tautologies
of frozen ice are still affecting some roads,
after a heavy, prolonged flurry of oxymorons.
And finally – from tomorrow evening –
expect the return of some light litotes,
making next week’s outlook hardly the best.
If I could have my time over,
I would do it all differently
and not treat each precious moment
with such disregard and flippancy.
I would use my time effectively,
I would think ahead and plan.
I would reserve my stores of energy,
and take charge when I can.
But it’s too late in the journey
for regret, too late to repent –
because there’s not a socket in sight,
and my battery’s on one per ce
Morrissey
was filled
with sudden
self-doubt
as he shut
his fridge door –
did the light
never go out?
She came from Greece,
she had a faulty socket.
Her eye fell out,
she couldn’t stop it.
That’s when I
caught her eye.
Even now in my mind,
that row remains VIVID –
I tried to stay CIVIL
but you ended up LIVID.
having noticed one day
his keyboard was dirty,
he reached for the soap spray
and gave it a SQWERTY,
before scrubbing away
‘til each letter was clean
in ignorant bliss of
having wrec ed his machine –
for the eys which once wor ed
no grad ally did not
and the more that he ty ed
the orse it all got
so that as the close
of his oem dre near,
as he atched every s mbol,
e ery sign disa ear,
he felt li e a ostman
at the end of hi ro nd,
ith barel a lette
in hi bag to b fo nd.
An unfaltering ability to
Bring clarity to the English language
Constitutes your
Defining quality.
Ever since the day we
First met and I
Giggled at the rude words
Hidden amongst your pages,
I adored you,
Jubilant in the
Knowledge that things were
Looking up. You offered me the
Meaning of life,
Not to mention the meaning of all those
Other words, too.
Perfect at settling Scrabble board
Quarrels, your judgement
Reigns supreme. I
Sift you daily, panning for words in
The hope of penning the
Ultimate – the greatest poem this
Vast world has ever seen, but
Whoa, here comes the
X, and oh, alphabet, how could you, I knew
You’d get the better of me
Zooner or later.
Believe in yourself.
You can do anything you set your heart on –
except A level physics, perhaps.
Well, all the sciences really.
DIY is a bit of a no-no, too.
See also: driving; skiing; map reading;
cooking pasta in the right quantities;
relationships; origami.
Don’t even think about running
your own business. Or singing in tune.
Best to steer clear of all activities which require
good hand-eye coordination.
Forget ice-skating, tending house plants,
dealing with spiders, the correct spelling of the word
‘enjambement’. I could go on.
But do not despair – for given time
and with a little luck on your side –
you can achieve a basic level of competence
in a limited number of simple, unremarkable things,
you just need to believe in yourself.
The advert said
MONETISE YOUR FOLLOWERS
so he thought
he would respond
by painting them
in the changing light,
like waterlilies
in a pond.
