I Would Like to Apologise for the Delay

Assorted Poems, Some poems

I would like to apologise for the delay
in coming to work today.
This is due to a signaling failure
between my primary motor cortex
and pyramidal motor pathway.
I shall remain here instead,
sidelined in this bed,
until further notice.

I would like to apologise for the delay
in going for a run today.
This is due to leaves on the tracksuit
I wore last week,
during my unsuccessful attempt
to bury myself
in a coppiced wood.
I would be there still if I could.

I would like to apologise for the delay
in joining your skiing holiday.
This is due to the wrong kind of snow,
which, as far as I’m concerned,
is any kind of snow
that enables people
to hurtle down slopes, at speed,
on skis.

I would like to apologise for the delay
in taking part in life today.
This is due to delays.

You bagged all the seats

Assorted Poems, Some poems

You bagged all the seats
and created a buffer zone
out of all that you own.

For the rest of the carriage,
it was a marriage
of inconvenience.

Your stacked-up stockpiles
forced us into the aisles,
like unwanted children

from your luggage love-in.
You, ignorant of those who queued,
were sandbagged in solitude.

Maybe this is all unfair
and there are good reasons
to have your belongings there.

Perhaps, there was a lack
of space on the rack,
or your knapsack was having a nap.

Or did your bags house vital information,
which, if in the wrong hands,
might bring down Our Great Nation?

Are you a tropical disease carrier,
who, to prevent further cases,
built the Great Big Bag Barrier?

Or are you a crusader
for luggage liberty and equality?
Bags have rights like you and me.

Or, on reflection,
perhaps, it is that
you are simply
a twat.