On the phone, the police found some photos
Of its owner skewered on a hilltop in Devon.
It appeared his possession of a selfie stick
Provided both the motive and murder weapon.
Satsumas are the Only Fruit
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsO how I love to consume a satsuma!
A satsuma a day leads to good humour.
To obtain one I would fight a lion or puma
or risk the revenge of wrathful Montezuma.
For the sweet taste of just one satsuma
I would listen to a concerto of tuba,
learn the three major dialects of Yoruba,
read the minutes of the 1906 Duma.
The merest rumour of a buried satsuma
would see me turn fructo-archaeologist/exhumer.
Juicy-sweet segmental sensation!
Luscious litmus-testing, citrus-besting Christmas elation!
O how I love to consume a Satsuma!
It is also easier to rhyme than orange.
Terry’s Mistake
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsSurveying his handiwork,
Terry realised he’d made a mistake
in buying Italy for Jo’s Christmas present.
Not only did it take ages to wrap up
but she was bound to guess what it was
by its distinctive boot-like shape.
He now also needed to get a bigger tree.
supermarket
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsin the supermarket of her love life,
she rummaged in the rubble of reduced items,
looking for something edible,
if perhaps not entirely credible
later,
in the bagging area of her bed,
she found the unexpected item of Fred
After the Fall
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsAfter he fell off the wall and it became clear
That all the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put him together again,
He was taken home.
His wife looked at him.
He wasn’t like the egg she used to know.
He was cracked and broken
And wouldn’t come out of his shell.
That’s the end of my love life,
Thought Mrs Humpty Dumpty,
No more rumpty-pumpty.
Body Language
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsDoug considered himself an expert
in reading Denise’s body language.
He made a study of her
and identified three main patterns of behaviour:
1) the way in which upon seeing him
she would dart into a nearby hedgerow
2) the way in which she would clamp her hands
tightly to her ears and close her eyes whenever he talked
3) the way in which, when once his hand lightly brushed hers,
she looked enquiringly into his eyes and then applied
an elbow to his ribs and a toe-cap to his shins
Doug understood
the unspoken intentions
hidden beneath the actions.
It was clear that she was desperately in love with him.
onion
Assorted Poems, Selected poemswhen Jane described Clarence
as being like an onion,
he was thrilled to think
she saw him as multi-layered,
with such a lot going on
beneath the surface that
only after much peeling
would the revealing
of the real Clarence
become apparent
and so, later,
he was disappointed
to hear that she was referring
to his purple-red, papery skin
and the fact
that he would
occasionally emit
a volatile gas
that would bring tears
to her eyes
Suspicion
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsThe only thing
Clive ever carried in his briefcase
Was a cheese and pickle sandwich.
Nothing unusual about that, perhaps,
But the other ants in the colony
Still regarded him
With suspicion.
black friday
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsfew knew what lay in store
that Friday
it started (as such things always do)
with the haberdashers
where reckless price slashers
offered ten per cent off
cerise beading trimming
and soon the place
was full to brimming
as the prices lowered
the tension rose
resulting in a bloodied nose
by the children’s clothes
over in winter wear,
a couple of kerfufflers
turned to scufflers
over discounted mufflers
and there was more fighting
amongst the table lighting
as a shopper got lamped
and then put in the shade
there was carnage in the cardigans,
burnings in home furnishings,
a fracas near the nail lacquer
and a murderous mascara massacre
into luggage leaked mustard gas
and the worst case scenario
came to pass
thirty-five shoppers malled to death
who lost their lives in the fray,
the casualties of consumption
to be remembered on Black Friday
Kilimanjaro
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsthe night Greg
summoned up the courage
to deliver his carefully prepared speech
to Sandra,
he was nervous,
declaring that he would
climb the deepest oceans
and swim the highest mountains
to be at her side
when Sandra laughed at him
and pointed out his mistake,
Greg fled and did not leave
his bedroom for ten days
the next time he saw her
Sandra was seeing Steve Glover
whom she subsequently was to marry
six years later, though,
Greg was to have the last laugh
when he became the first man
to swim breaststroke
across Mount Kilimanjaro
