The Occidental Tourist

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

A mistimed side-step and I was in amongst the cagoules,
clipboards and backpacks, too late to back-track,
too hubristic to hack my way through the touristic horde

which tsunamies me around two Oxford colleges,
the Bodleian and the Radcliffe Camera, pitches me
in and out the Pitt-Rivers before we wattle and daub

our way to Stratford-upon-Avon for much ado about
bardic-related birthplaces and Monday-matinéed monologues,
striking north to viking lands of here be minsters and

castles and dungeons and museums and botanical
gardens and monuments and Edinburgh cobbled passageways
and walking tours and bus tours and ghost tours and

coach rides and airports and aeroplanes and twelve-hour
flights and unfamiliar landscapes and customs and I end up
spending the next twenty years of my life as a rice farmer

in the Ishikari Subprefecture of Hokkaido in Japan.

The Procession

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

And so the nation looks on proudly
as the Royal Baby makes her majestic way along the Royal Birth Canal,
proceeds gracefully under that famous Pubic Arch,
through which the gallant Prince George of Cambridge so recently passed,
and there we get a glimpse, for the very first time,
of the Royal Fetal Head
as it appears out of the Royal Vaginal Orifice
and this historic crowning
of the new Fetal Princess.

And here is the Royal Baby
in all her stately splendour
followed by this marvellous cavalcade
of the Royal Umblical Cord
and Royal Afterbirth,
and what a splendid membranous vascular organ
that really is.

Make Poetry Not War

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

Leaders of the world,
stop your fighting.
Invest your time
in poetry writing.

Enough of all those
military manoeuvres,
concentrate on
more literary oeuvres.

Think about the planet,
when you plan
to drop a bomb upon it,
pause, ponder, then pen a sonnet.

Or if there’s somebody
who doesn’t like u,
appease them with
a humble haiku.

Let words be your weapons,
Metaphors your missiles.
Search out strident stanzas.
Ditch your Trident planzas.

Write a peace poem about a pipe,
an olive branch, a dove.
Take a ticket to Tender Town,
aboard the quatrain of love.

Life: A Record

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

Polyvinyl chloride disc
with modulated spiral groove,
you’re up to scratch,
you’re prone to snap,
your pop’s crackle makes me move.

You turn the tables,
you’re fragile, an uncalculated risk.
I love you thirty-three and a third more times
than any compact disc
(and forty-five times more
than a download
from an online store).

Digital is clinical,
cuts the air like a surgeon’s knife,
but vinyl has the touch, the feel,
and surface noise of life.

Every Song on the Radio Reminds Me of You

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

Every song on the radio reminds me of you,

I hear Anarchy in the UK and think about the time
you established an anarcho-syndicalist commune and led
a bloody, but ultimately unsuccessful, uprising in Merthyr Tydfil.

Bohemian Rhapsody comes on and I remember
the episodic, integrated, free-flowing work you composed
whilst holidaying in the Czech Republic.

Like A Virgin reminds me of the day
you got your new Virgin Media TiVo box installed
and you touched it for the very first time.

I listen to I Am the Walrus and recall those stupid
bloody Tuesdays when you would sit on a cornflake
in your corporation t-shirt and wait for the van to come.

An Oasis song plays and I think about that wall
you used to have, which was not like any other wall,
the one that used to fill me with wonder and still does today.

Other memories fly to me across the radio waves.
Your strange and wide-ranging CV: a waitress in a cocktail bar,
private dancer, boxer, taxman, joker, thief, lineman for the county.

There was that time you laid your hat and declared it “home”,
and that party we went to with a special atmosphere,
the one when you kissed a girl and then let the dogs out.

It’s no wonder I still think about you;
you and your beautiful, bright, sexy, gypsy,
Betty Davis, brown, green, baby blue eyes.

“Life is an Inspirational Quote.”

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

Every day is a second chance.
And each day is a festering boil you must lance.

Paint the sky and make it yours.
Add this fun task to your long list of chores.

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
It helps you pretend that you made it through college.

Be positive and turn your can’ts into cans.
And watch your cans carted off in recycling vans.

What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.
It is hard to think of a quote that is wronger.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.
Except for the fact that hope ends at fourteen.

Life is so much brighter when we focus on what really matters.
That’s assuming your dreams are not already in tatters.

You’re in control. Be the change you wish to see.
You haven’t even got the change for a cup of tea.

A beautiful life begins with a beautiful mind.
In a world full of pain and misery, it’s not so easy to find.

Treat life like a trusted and old faithful friend.
Why not, but SPOILER ALERT: we all die in the end.

CARPE DMs

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

Doc Marten boots,
you take me back to my roots,
when you were in cahoots
with both of my foots.

You have style. You have soul
(air cushioned to make you hover),
with optional steel toe-caps
in case there’s a bit of bovver.

Punks, indie kids, construction workers,
have all worn you most effectively,
sure treaders of carpet and concrete
on office and factory floors respectively.

Dependably Manufactured!
Durably Memorable!
Doughtily Multipurposeful!
Diametrical Moccasins!

To me you are the exponent
of the ultimate in utilitarianism.
To persuade me of otherwise
is an act of futilitarianism.

Special Offers

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

I took the volume to the counter
where the bookseller said to me,
“You do realise, sir, that today
is Buy One Get One Free.”

So I went and chose another book,
and waited patiently in the queue,
but this time he pointed at a sign
which said Three for the Price of Two.

I thought I’d go for something lighter
and so I came back with a thriller.
The bookseller said, “The Impossible Dead!
That means you get to sleep with Cilla.”

His assistant took me by the hand
and led me into the stock room;
we made love against an unsold stack
of biographies of David Hume.

The bookseller had more to say,
when I returned to the shop floor,
“As the 100th person she’s had this year,
here are the keys to the store.”

He took an urgent phone call and said
“It seems that you’re in luck again.
Head Office have told me to tell you
about “Win One Store, Get the Chain.”

And so it went on for days and weeks,
each special offer bigger than the last,
I won shops, businesses, countries, planets,
my empire was boundless and vast.

It wasn’t easy running the universe;
indeed, every spare moment it took.
So busy was I, no matter how hard I tried,
I never got to read my book.