The Procession

And so the nation looks on proudly
as the Royal Baby makes her majestic way along the Royal Birth Canal,
proceeds gracefully under that famous Pubic Arch,
through which the gallant Prince George of Cambridge so recently passed,
and there we get a glimpse, for the very first time,
of the Royal Fetal Head
as it appears out of the Royal Vaginal Orifice
and this historic crowning
of the new Fetal Princess.

And here is the Royal Baby
in all her stately splendour
followed by this marvellous cavalcade
of the Royal Umblical Cord
and Royal Afterbirth,
and what a splendid membranous vascular organ
that really is.

Invasion of the Baby Snatchers

I can’t go anywhere these days
without the paparazzi snapping me
in the desperate clutch
of some sour-breathed hopeful.

There I’ll be, minding my own business,
staring contently at cloud formations
when a vulture swoops from out of the blue
and carries me up like a helpless shrew.

It’s not me they’re interested in,
it’s what I represent. Unlike them,
I’m innocent, The Future free from impurity.
They scoop me up without impunity.

I guess what I’m trying to say,
is that when they pucker up and kiss me,
I’m no longer just a three-month old,
I’m a photo opportunity.

I shall be seeking political immunity.