A pylon looms like a sini- Two birds puncture the late afternoon blue as th- Cows stare into the distance and wonde- Fields sleep drowsily, waiting for- Buddleia bubbles up along the tr- A woman waves at her youn- Some buildings. Graffiti. Wolverhampton railway station.
in the departure lounge, she drew him near, then softly whispered in his ear, not words of parting’s sweet, sweet sorrow, but don’t forget the bins tomorrow
Summer is over. Or at least it is for those who subscribe to a meteorological definition of the seasons. Those of a more astronomical bent still have a couple of weeks of summer remaining, presumably to make hay while the sun shines; unless, that is, they’ve already made their hay in late June when climactic conditions are optimal for such an activity. Meanwhile antipodean types are blowing out their cheeks and preparing to inform me that it’s winter or spring, or some such, I don’t know, it’s a long way from where I am right now, this time stuff is hard, and everyone seems to have an opinion.
There is, however, one thing at least we can all agree upon: it is now September*.
Poem
the calendar flipped with a gust of air and with august no longer there,
in swept the song of spry September with its breezy back-to-school septimbre
* with the exception of those countries whose temporal systems do not conform to the Gregorian calendar.
Regardless, time is passing, another year is speeding by, and the hidden cameras have yet to clock it.
Toby
It would soon be January again.
She did not know where the year had gone.
Eventually she found it hidden away in an old shoebox under the bed, along with 1997 and 2005.
Toby. He had taken the best years of her life.
That poem comes from my first collection, You Took the Last Bus Home which – in another trick of time – celebrates its tenth birthday this month. I’ve been sharing poems from this book on social media over the last week or so – many of which are short and quite silly, indicative of their origin on Twitter, created in more innocent times when only one tweet in four on that platform was overtly racist.
I had no ambition to see my poems in print; they were written mainly to amuse myself or to distract from work (I used to have a proper job) and other burdens of being a grown-up. But then a crowd-funding publisher came along, suggested I scoop them up into something resembling a book and see whether anyone might be vaguely interested in the project. To my amazement and eternal gratitude, several hundred people were. The book got published and has somehow gone on to sell over 60,000 copies. It was a life-changing moment for me, not dissimilar from that experienced by Vince in another of the poems in the collection:
Invincible Vince
The day he got the neck brace, life changed for Vince
and he’s never really looked back since.
Fringe Benefits
Thank to everyone who came along to my shows in Edinburgh at the end of last month. The whole experience was a joy, not least because I got to see lots of brilliant shows, including David O’Doherty, Spencer Jones, Daniel Cainer, and Flo & Joan. Another real highlight was Rob Auton’s show Jupiter, in which he plays the role of an estate agent on the planet Jupiter. He’s touring with it next year and a list of his dates is here.
I’d like to be able to share a poem with you about Jupiter but I don’t have one. The closest I can get – about 3 billion miles away – is this one, about the erstwhile planet Pluto.
A Small Restructuring
Ah, Pluto. Thanks for coming in this morning. Do take a seat. Coffee? That’s super. Terrific. So how are things out there on the Kuiper Belt? Not too cold and lonely, I hope? Wonderful.
Now I know you’re a busy celestial body so I shall keep this short. Nothing to worry about, it’s just that we’ve been having a bit of a rethink here at the Astronomical Union, taking a fresh look
at our options, a small restructuring as it were, and we’d like to offer you a new role, one which we feel might be more appropriate for someone with your skillset and, ahem,
proportions. In our dwarf planet department. No, no, no! You’re still very much part of the team. It’s just that … well, the thing is you haven’t been clearing your neighbouring region of other objects
and you’ve had a few billion years to do so. Don’t get me wrong! Your orbiting around the Sun has been first-class. And we have no doubts whatsoever concerning your hydrostatic equilibrium.
No, we are not being sizeist. Times change, that’s all and we need to be more stringent with our nomenclature. Anyhow, best be getting on. I’ve got Earth to see next. Now there’s a planet who does have problems.
Autumn Tour Q&A
Sadly, Pluto is not one of the places I shall be visiting on my autumn tour, although I will be going to Guildford. It kicks off later this month and continues until early December. I’ve had a lot of questions about the tour so I thought I’d pick off a handful this month with a few more to follow over the next couple of newsletters.
Q. I’ve seen you before. Why should I bother coming to see you again?
A. This is a brand new show, with lots of new poems and at least three new jokes. Yes, there will be some older poems in there – it would be remiss of me not to include a few old bangers – but the focus is on my new book, How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside. Also, it’ll be better this time, I hadn’t eaten properly that day and had no idea my flies were undone.
Q. You never come to Wales. What have you got against it?
A. I have nothing against Wales. In fact, I shall be visiting Monmouth, Aberystwyth, Cardigan and Cardiff as part of this tour.
Q. I mean, why do you never come to the precise bit of Wales in which I live?
A. It is difficult to visit every settlement. The size of Wales should not be underestimated; in fact, you could fit a country the size of Wales in it.
Q. Will you be reading this poem on your tour?
Remembrance of Things Pasta
She blew her fusilli, my pretty penne, when she found me watching daytime tagliatelle.
Je ne spaghetti rien, I responded in song, but she did not linguini for long,
just walked out without further retort: a hard lesson to be tortellini, orzo I thought.
And so here I am, all on my macaroni, and now my days feel cannelloni.
A. No.
Q. Is there any chance you can list all of your tour dates with convenient links so I can purchase ten tickets for each show for me and my friends?
A. Okay, then …
September
20th MORECAMBE POETRY FESTIVAL Tickets 23rd: MONMOUTH: Savoy Theatre Tickets 24th: ABERYSTWYTH: Arts Centre Tickets 25th: CARDIGAN: Mwldan Tickets 26th: WINCHESTER: Guildhall Tickets 27th: GUILDFORD: Yvonne Arnaud Theatre Last Few Tickets 30th: HARPENDEN: Eric Morecambe Centre Tickets
October
1st: COVENTRY: Warwick Arts Centre Tickets 2nd: DARWEN: Darwen Library Theatre Tickets 3rd: ILKLEY LITERATURE FESTIVALTickets 4th: MALTON: Milton Rooms Tickets 7th: CROYDON: Fairfield Ashcroft Theatre Tickets 8th: DEAL: Astor Theatre SOLD OUT 9th: NORWICH: The Halls Tickets 10th: COLCHESTER: Arts Centre SOLD OUT 14th: LOUGHBOROUGH: MMC SOLD OUT 15th: MANCHESTER: Stoller Hall Tickets 16th: ULVERSTON: Coronation Hall Tickets 21st: KIDDERMINSTER: Town Hall Tickets 22nd: GLASGOW: Mackintosh Queen’s Cross Tickets 23rd: ABERDEEN: The Lemon Tree Tickets 24th: STIRLING: Tolbooth Last Few Tickets 28th: STAMFORD: Corn Exchange Tickets 29th: BURY ST EDMUNDS: The Apex Last Few Tickets 30th: CORSHAM: Pound Arts Centre SOLD OUT 31st: OXFORD: The North Wall SOLD OUT
November
4th: WORTHING: Pavilion Tickets 6th: BELLAGHY: Seamus Heaney HomePlace SOLD OUT 7th: BELLAGHY: Seamus Heaney HomePlace SOLD OUT 11th: LEEDS: City Varieties Last Few Tickets 12th: SUNDERLAND: The Fire Station Tickets 13th: HELMSLEY: Arts Centre SOLD OUT 14th: POCKLINGTON: Arts Centre SOLD OUT 15th: SHEFFIELD: Memorial Hall Tickets 18th: OXFORD: The North Wall SOLD OUT 19th: STROUD: Sub Rooms Last Few Tickets 20th: BRIDPORT: Electric Palace Tickets 21st: EXETER: Corn Exchange Last Few Tickets 22nd: BUDE: The Parkhouse Centre Tickets 25th: NEWARK: Palace Theatre Last Few Tickets 26th: BAKEWELL: Town Hall Last Few Tickets 27th: CHORLEY: Chorley Theatre Last Few Tickets 28th: LIVERPOOL: Tung Auditorium Last Few Tickets 30th: BRISTOL: St George’s Last Few Tickets
By the time you’ve managed to plough your way through this month’s newsletter, September may very nearly be over. But before it is, pause for a moment on 27th: that’s Tourism Day, an annual event aimed at spreading awareness of the importance of sustainable tourism. Here’s a poem to accompany it.
Short Poem for Tourism Day
Tourists wait in line to enter Machu Picchu. Oh look! A high queue.
I’m very sorry about that.
Until next month, Brian
P.S. If, for some strange reason, you would like to subscribe to this newsletter and get future editions delivered to your email inbox, you can do so here: https://brianbilston.com/newsletter/
