I’m delighted to announce a series of new shows* coming in early 2024 – alongside the brilliant Henry Normal.
We’re coming to Bath, Bexhill, Bury St Edmonds, Exeter, Ilkley, Leeds, London, Monmouth, Nottingham, Oxford, Salford, Stroud, Sunderland, Warwick and Wolverhampton.
Tickets will go on general sale at 10am this Friday. I’ll send around links to tickets then (if I remember).
*well, evenings of poetry
Today is set to be agreeably alliterative
across an assortment of areas
although the occasional metaphor
may cause some faces to cloud.
Idioms will be coming down like stair rods
in northern regions, while the south
may experience the odd outbreak of similes,
like an unexpected shower of arrows.
In coastal, littoral, and seaside areas,
synonyms remain likely.
Further inland, sudden gusts of hyperbole
look set to take your breath away
and a series of scattered euphemisms
will have you reaching for your wellies.
If you’re driving, please be aware that tautologies
of frozen ice are still affecting some roads,
after a heavy and prolonged flurry of oxymorons.
And finally – from tomorrow evening –
expect to see the return of some light litotes,
making next week’s outlook hardly the best.
As many of you know, I will be embarking on a tour over the coming months, on which I shall be reading some of my poems in front of mildly perplexed and bewildered audiences around the UK. I thought I would take this opportunity to answer some of the most common questions I get asked in response to this news.
1. Will books be on sale – and will I be signing them?
Yes, the plan is to partner with a local bookshop wherever possible and have them on sale at the event. I have made a note to bring a pen with me should anyone want their copy signed.
2. Will I actually be visible at the event or do I plan to read the poems behind a curtain / wear some elaborate disguise such as a giant papier-mache head?
Unfortunately, I will be present and visible at all events. Tickets have been discounted on this basis.
3. Are you intending to be two and a half hours late for all your events, like you were for that one in Glasgow the other week?
No, it is my intention to be on time for all future events, despite travelling by network rail to most of them. I am factoring in a cushion of 72 hours into my journey times to offset any rail delays.
4. Will I be accompanied by my cat?
Sadly not. Buttons, the beautiful cat who appears on many of my author pics passed away 18 months ago. While I now have two new cats, both seem keen to distance themselves from my work, preferring the poetry of Simon Armitage and Carol Ann Duffy.
5. Will I read that poem about the Daily Mail?
Almost certainly.
6. Cornwall?
This is not really a question as such, more just a place-name followed by a question mark. The same goes for ‘Scotland?’, ‘The North-East?’ and ‘Melbourne?‘. If the question is “Will I be doing any shows in Cornwall (Scotland, the North-East, Melbourne etc)?” then the answer is that I would love to, but I’m all booked up for 2023. Over time, I’d like to read my poems in all sorts of places. Even the Isle of Wight.
7. Are there tickets still available?
About half the shows are now sold out – and some are close to selling out – but there are currently tickets still on sale for the following (in chronological order): Swindon; Portsmouth; Worcester; Morecambe; Buxton; Lytham St Anne’s; Kendal; Sheffield; Sale; Banbury; Caerphilly; Crickhowell; Clevedon; Bellaghy; Cheltenham; Frome; Chippenham; Bridport; Southampton.
Information on all the shows are available through the link below:
8. I am a policeman. How likely is it that I will find myself bitten if I attend one of your events?
That incident is behind me. I have learnt my lesson the hard way. Please be assured that precautions are now in place to prevent any recurrence.
Thanks very much and hope to see some of you in the course of the year.
Tell me, what is it about this position that interests you?
The warmth, perhaps? The security?
Or the power you must feel by rendering me useless?
Feel free to expand if you wish.
I see you have had experience of similar positions.
Can you talk about a time when you got someone’s tongue?
Or were set amongst the pigeons?
Have you ever found yourself in a bag only then to be let out of it?
Tell me, how would you feel if you had to walk on hot bricks?
What about a tin roof of similar temperature?
With reference to any of your past lives,
has curiosity ever killed you?
Finally, where do you see yourself in five years?
In the same position? Or higher up to catch the sunlight?
Or would you like to be where I am now?
Oh, it appears you already are.
