We have been here before;
we who slouch
at formica tables
and fish adeptly in sea-green bowls
for cellophaned sweets
to the music of fizzy water.
We who drowse
in powerpointed twilight,
as time slides slowly past,
we restless slumberers,
fearful of break-outs
and the tyranny of role play.
We who doodle
on hotel-headed notepaper
whilst listening distractedly
to the distant hum
of the motorway
which leads to other places.
For we are
We who leave
money on the table
and grab at pendulous fruit
which hangs so low.
For we are the
We who wait
of the fifteen minute respite
offered in the form
of plated custard creams.
For we are the awayday
We who nurse
feelings of jealousy
towards marker pens
that run out
before we can.
For we are the awayday boarders.
We are the onboarded.
And this is the way the day ends
This is the way the day ends
This is the way the day ends
Not with a bang but a flipchart.
Reach out to me, reach out, reach out,
my calendar is up-to-date.
Let’s meet up and move the needle
(‘though I have a hard stop at eight).
Drill down with me, drill down, drill down,
under the spreadsheet we shall dive
to pluck at ripe, low hanging fruit
as we innovate and synergize.
Align with me, align, align,
explore our many moving parts.
Let us think outside of the box,
capture results on your flip charts.
Deploy with me, deploy, deploy,
assets not inconsiderable.
Leverage them along the way
to achieve our core deliverable.
The ad said
MONETISE YOUR FOLLOWERS
so he thought
he would respond
by painting them
in the changing light,
in a pond.
Les linked in with himself
on Linked In.
It made him feel reconnected
with who he really was.
He went on to add in new skills,
such as ‘good at linking in’,
and “brilliant networking abilities”,
all of which he then
Two weeks later he was congratulating himself
on his new job.
Love was being left on the table.
Assets were unleveraged, needles unmoved.
Low-hanging fruit dangled down forlornly,
He’d eaten the reality sandwich
and knew a new game plan was needed;
something to deliver a bang for his buck,
open the kimono, rub his rhubarb.
He sought alignment.
He flipcharted in the ideation laboratory,
pondered his own value proposition;
it remained unclear as to whether he had one.
He noted this down as a pain point.
He reviewed his immediate pipeline:
Fran from finance; Linda from sales;
Barbara from inhumane resources.
He imagined hotdesking them,
onboarding them, piggybacking them.
The thought was as welcome
as putting socks on an octopus.
So he thought out of the box,
bought in external lists based on key attributes:
Gender (female); Age (25-35);
Status (unmarried / unhappily married);
Interests (sex / cooking / golf).
Prospects were surveyed,
core competencies interrogated
and hot leads pumped into his funnel
for further nurturing and nurdling.
Only Melissa from Melton Mowbray
survived the process; the capability matrix
clearly showed that she was where
the rubber hit the road.
He brought her in for a focus group,
with a view to further quality function deployment,
and sat and listened to the Voice of the Customer.
She thought him a twat.
i had always
wanted to go on
a busman’s holiday
so i saved up
for ten years
all at once