When I’m gone
from this world
let them say:
“He never quite managed
to seize the day.
He fought but failed
to keep shyness at bay.
He was unlikely to star
in Fifty Shades of Grey.
But he could stack
a dishwasher
in an efficient way.”
Selected poems
Anthem for Doomed Ruth
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsIt was Ruth’s own fault,
to tell you the truth;
she smoked like a chimney
and then fell off the roof.
How Walter would cross a busy road
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsHe would stride
through a subway
and barely falter
but, for some reason,
a bridge over-troubled Walter.
Ode To A Weather Girl
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsI write you poems
and send you flowers
you give me hailstones
and scattered
s o
h w
e r s
Morrissey’s Fridge
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsMorrissey was filled
with sudden self-doubt
as he shut his fridge door;
did the light never go out?
MONETISATION
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsThe ad said
MONETISE YOUR FOLLOWERS
so he thought
he would respond
by painting them
in the changing light,
like waterlilies
in a pond.
In the Departure Lounge
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsIn the departure lounge,
she drew him near,
then softly whispered in his ear,
not words of parting’s
sweet, sweet sorrow,
but DON’T FORGET THE BINS tomorrow.
This is one of those poems without any rhymes
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsThis is one of those poems
without any rhymes,
like the kind you may read
in the Sunday TimesTelegraph.
For the real poet, you see,
rhyme’s deleterious,
when you want to be seen
as poignant and seriousprofound.
Rhyming is childish and trivial;
it smacks of the frivolous.
But I’ll throw in some half-rhymes
of which you may be obliviousignorant.
This is also one of those poems
that ends with a metaphorsimile,
like the silence of writing paper,
untouched in the letter drawer.
You bagged all the seats
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsYou bagged all the seats
and created a buffer zone
out of all that you own.
For the rest of the carriage,
it was a marriage
of inconvenience.
Your stacked-up stockpiles
forced us into the aisles,
like unwanted children
from your luggage love-in.
You, ignorant of those who queued,
were sandbagged in solitude.
Maybe this is all unfair
and there are good reasons
to have your belongings there.
Perhaps, there was a lack
of space on the rack,
or your knapsack was having a nap.
Or did your bags house vital information,
which, if in the wrong hands,
might bring down Our Great Nation?
Are you a tropical disease carrier,
who, to prevent further cases,
built the Great Big Bag Barrier?
Or are you a crusader
for luggage liberty and equality?
Bags have rights like you and me.
Or, on reflection,
perhaps, it is that
you are simply
a twat.
Haiku Horoscopes
Assorted Poems, Selected poemsARIES
your attempts to breed
male sheep have unexpected
ramifications
TAURUS
your luck starts to change
when into your life comes a
dark handsome strangler
GEMINI
mercury enters
the charts at number six; you
get it on iTunes
CANCER
you realise that
all horoscopes are nonsense;
feel crabby all week
LEO
your hair turns curly
and you have a surprise hit
with When I Need You
VIRGO
the crowds gasp at your
Cliff Thorburn and Doug Mountjoy
impersonations
LIBRA
you don’t return all
of the letters you borrowed
from the library
SCORPIO
reading horoscopes
in the newspaper, you bump
into a lamppost
SAGITTARIUS
you break with your strict
Sagittarian diet
and eat a Virgo
CAPRICORN
you see Colin Firth
on a bus in Northampton
but don’t talk to him
AQUARIUS
you forget which star
sign you are because you’re not
that interested
PISCES
a nightclub visit
fails when there is no-one to
pick up the pisces
