film

At the Ghostbusters Training Academy for Women

Well, love, it looks like you’ve got a shape-shifter
there, tricky buggers them, please excuse my French.
You’ll need your photon gun and a monkey wrench,
if you’ve got one to hand. Watch as you lift the

neutrona wand, love, valuable that is. Good
stuff. Now, there’s a cyclotron in that backpack,
not that your pretty head should worry about that.
It’s to concentrate the protons, see. That should

create a positronic ionized stream
to polarize with the negative charges
of the ectoplasm. Still with me, darling?
Lovely. Wait ‘til you hear the shape-shifter scream …

There. He’s not going anywhere! Now, love, just
pop him right inside this Muon Trap. Double
check he’s secure. We don’t want any more trouble
from the likes of him! There, you did it! You must

be exhausted. I didn’t think you’d stick it,
not at first. It’s tiring work – even for men.
A lot of people wouldn’t have it in them.
Still, a cup of tea will sort you out. Biscuit?

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BAFTA Acceptance Speech

I’m stunned and I’m staggered
to find myself up here,
clutching onto this BAFTA
I should have won last year.

Bear with me while I speak
through teeth white and flossable,
whilst I say thank you to those
who made all of this possible.

To the director’s wise words,
the support of the producer,
and my lovely leading lady
who let me seduce her.

To the rest of the cast
and the hard-working crew,
I can’t remember their names
but hope that will do.

To the film fans who came
to see me on the screen
and the critics who loved me
(but not those who were mean).

To my family, of course,
especially Mother and Father,
who sold their spare yacht
to put me through RADA.

To my friends who were there
each step along the way
and to my life coach Leona
who taught me feng shui.

To the people of Britain,
who took me to their heart,
it’s nice to know that
you recognise great art.

To the poor starving people
who might simply not cope
without me in their dreams,
a shining beacon of hope.

To the animals, birds and insects,
all of God’s assembled creatures,
for the wonder of their beauty
(though they lack my classic features).

And finally, there is one more
without which this couldn’t be.
Hardworking, handsome and humble,
I’d just like to thank me.

fly on the wall

Giles made a fly on the wall documentary
about a fly on the wall,
he filmed it for fifteen hours
it didn’t move at all

he took a closer look
and saw the thing
he’d been appraisin’
was actually a raisin

after momentarily being taken unawares,
Giles restyled his film
as news and currant affairs