Upon Awakening to the Sound of Distant Rumbles

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

He awakes from seasonal slumbers,
to distant rumbles. A storm approaching,
perhaps, or the muffled guns from
the ghost of a war long since waged
upon faded fields.

The dawn chorus wakens the dead and
rattles the brain as the back street clatter
recedes into murmured memory and the
awful truth emerges. Bin day! The revised
collection days due to the Christmas holiday.
Thoughts fly unbidden to the rooms

of recycling, Pennines of packaging,
glaciers of glass, corridors of cardboard and cartons,
growing, overflowing, silently creeping up the staircase,
across the landing, clawing at the bedroom door.
The horror! The horror!

He lies there and tries to collect himself.

A Sticky End

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

On the phone, the police found some photos
Of its owner skewered on a hilltop in Devon.
It appeared his possession of a selfie stick
Provided both the motive and murder weapon.

Satsumas are the Only Fruit

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

O how I love to consume a satsuma!
A satsuma a day leads to good humour.

To obtain one I would fight a lion or puma
or risk the revenge of wrathful Montezuma.

For the sweet taste of just one satsuma
I would listen to a concerto of tuba,
learn the three major dialects of Yoruba,
read the minutes of the 1906 Duma.

The merest rumour of a buried satsuma
would see me turn fructo-archaeologist/exhumer.

Juicy-sweet segmental sensation!
Luscious litmus-testing, citrus-besting Christmas elation!
O how I love to consume a Satsuma!

It is also easier to rhyme than orange.

Terry’s Mistake

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

Surveying his handiwork,
Terry realised he’d made a mistake
in buying Italy for Jo’s Christmas present.

Not only did it take ages to wrap up
but she was bound to guess what it was
by its distinctive boot-like shape.

He now also needed to get a bigger tree.

supermarket

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

in the supermarket of her love life,
she rummaged in the rubble of reduced items,
looking for something edible,
if perhaps not entirely credible

later,
in the bagging area of her bed,
she found the unexpected item of Fred

After the Fall

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

After he fell off the wall and it became clear
That all the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put him together again,
He was taken home.

His wife looked at him.
He wasn’t like the egg she used to know.
He was cracked and broken
And wouldn’t come out of his shell.
That’s the end of my love life,
Thought Mrs Humpty Dumpty,
No more rumpty-pumpty.

Body Language

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

Doug considered himself an expert
in reading Denise’s body language.

He made a study of her
and identified three main patterns of behaviour:

1) the way in which upon seeing him
she would dart into a nearby hedgerow

2) the way in which she would clamp her hands
tightly to her ears and close her eyes whenever he talked

3) the way in which, when once his hand lightly brushed hers,
she looked enquiringly into his eyes and then applied
an elbow to his ribs and a toe-cap to his shins

Doug understood
the unspoken intentions
hidden beneath the actions.

It was clear that she was desperately in love with him.

onion

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

when Jane described Clarence
as being like an onion,
he was thrilled to think
she saw him as multi-layered,
with such a lot going on
beneath the surface that
only after much peeling
would the revealing
of the real Clarence
become apparent

and so, later,
he was disappointed
to hear that she was referring
to his purple-red, papery skin
and the fact
that he would
occasionally emit
a volatile gas
that would bring tears
to her eyes

black friday

Assorted Poems, Selected poems

few knew what lay in store
that Friday

it started (as such things always do)
with the haberdashers
where reckless price slashers
offered ten per cent off
cerise beading trimming
and soon the place
was full to brimming

as the prices lowered
the tension rose
resulting in a bloodied nose
by the children’s clothes

over in winter wear,
a couple of kerfufflers
turned to scufflers
over discounted mufflers
and there was more fighting
amongst the table lighting
as a shopper got lamped
and then put in the shade

there was carnage in the cardigans,
burnings in home furnishings,
a fracas near the nail lacquer
and a murderous mascara massacre

into luggage leaked mustard gas
and the worst case scenario
came to pass

thirty-five shoppers malled to death
who lost their lives in the fray,
the casualties of consumption
to be remembered on Black Friday