Dear intrepid reader,
Welcome to the opening sentence of my August newsletter, a sentence which has been variously described as “magnificent” (Times Literary Supplement), “irritatingly self-referential” (Spectator) and “mysteriously silent on the subject of aquarium maintenance” (Practical Fishkeeping).
It seems remarkable to have made it this far given that my first attempt at sending out a newsletter was not without its technical difficulties. Fortunately it was nothing a series of night classes, webinars and 50 hours of shouting at a “Happiness Engineer” could not resolve. My knowledge of SMTP configurations and email bounce limits is now superior to that of most poets, particularly the eighteenth-century ones.
Initial Enthusiasm
Birds do IT
Bees do IT
Even educated fleas do IT
Let’s do IT
Let’s enrol on a course in Information Technology
I used to think I was pretty good with technology. While never an early adopter, I did at least attempt to be a punctual one. These days, though, it feels like technology has begun to run away from me; or I have begun to run away from it. Even my lawnmower could do with an upgrade.
The Woolly Ruminator 5000
Featuring the latest in munching capabilities,
the Woolly Ruminator 5000
has been developed by leading specialists
in the field
to prevent your lawn
from becoming a lawn unto itself.
Each Woolly Ruminator 5000
has been installed
with revolutionary dento-pad technology,
enabling it to eat close to the ground
without pulling up those all-important grass roots.
With a range of mandibular settings
and a unique four-stomach design,
the Woolly Ruminator 5000
has the capacity to chew and chew and chew
whatever the conditions,
leaving you the time
to get on with the things you love.
The Woolly Ruminator 5000 –
it’s more than just a graze!
Available in white or black.
Annual leave me alone
Not that the lawn needs cutting. It looks more like a shredded wheat farm right now, as does most of the UK. But desperate times call for desperate measures: the best chance of bringing some much needed rain to this island is for me to go on holiday on it. So that’s what I’m doing – I’m going to use seven of my 130 days annual leave allowance (the regulatory requirement for poets) by heading off to Cornwall, during which I expect it to bucket down.
Beach preparations continue regardless.
O do not ask if I am beach body ready
O do not ask
if I am beach body ready.
Observe how the folds
of my stomach ripple
like the wind-pulled waves.
Rub your hands
over these pale buttocks,
sand-smoothed by time.
Note my milk-white limbs
like washed-up whalebones,
stranded and useless.
Consider these tufts of hair
on my back and shoulders
which sprout like sea-grass.
And listen to the lapping
of my socks
at the shores of my sandals.
And still you ask me
if I am beach body ready?
Edinburgh Man
By the time I arrive at the Edinburgh Fringe, beach-bronzed and sandy-creviced, all the other performers will be knackered and no longer worth seeing. I’m there for its final week, when I’ll be previewing an hour-long adaptation of my autumn show How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside, at the Assembly Rooms, between 24th and 30th August. Tickets are on sale here.
I’m up to all sorts there, including a couple of events at the Edinburgh International Book Festival. On 27th August, I’m taking part in an ‘All Star Poetry‘ evening in the Spiegeltent, alongside some fabulous poets: Janette Ayachi, Rachel Long, Leyla Josephine and Michael Pedersen. Tickets for that can be found here. Earlier that day, I’ll be joining legendary illustrator Joe Berger to bring some of the poems in our book A Poem for Every Question to life for children as part of the festival’s Schools Programme.
I’ll also be reading some Dickens. Not quietly in my spare moments, but as part of Dickens: The Readings, in which 22 different performers bring some of Big Charlie D’s most beloved stories to life. Be prepared to quake in your Uggs as I take on his classic ghost story The Signal-Man on 26th August. Tickets here.
Seeing as we’ve not had a poem for a few paragraphs, here are a few Dickensian clerihews:
Martin Chuzzlewit
loved beer so much he’d guzzle it,
although he never shared a Becks with
the younger Miss Pecksniff.
Nicholas Nickleby
cut his finger on something prickly
so little Dorrit
gave him ointment forrit.
Jilted Miss Havisham
got the blues and couldn’t banish ’em.
Her house was a mess.
She wouldn’t take off her dress.
Let Sleeping Cats Lie
This month sees the publication of the paperback of Let Sleeping Cats Lie, my collection of poems about pets. It was shortlisted for last year’s CLiPPA, the UK’s leading prize for children’s poetry, but some grown-ups seem to have enjoyed it, too.
It costs a mere £7.99, which is about the same price these days as an iced vanilla latte with oat milk, and is equally delicious. It’s available through your local bookshop, or online here.
And here’s a poem from it:
The Day My Dog Spontaneously Combusted
there he was,
chasing sticks,
doing tricks
and all that stuff
next minute, woof
‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’ Autumn Tour
It’s not long until my 44-date autumn tour around England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. I’ll write more about this in my next newsletter (so do remember to unsubscribe before then) but for now I’ll just say that more shows have sold out and a whole bunch of them only have a few tickets left.
It would be extremely helpful to me if you could buy up all the remaining tickets for this tour so I don’t have to keep posting dull messages about it on social media.
September
23rd: MONMOUTH: Savoy Theatre Tickets
24th: ABERYSTWYTH: Arts Centre Tickets
25th: CARDIGAN: Mwldan Tickets
26th: WINCHESTER: Guildhall Tickets
27th: GUILDFORD: Yvonne Arnaud Theatre Tickets
30th: HARPENDEN: Eric Morecambe Centre Tickets
October
1st: COVENTRY: Warwick Arts Centre Tickets
2nd: DARWEN: Darwen Library Theatre Tickets
4th: MALTON: Milton Rooms Tickets
7th: CROYDON: Fairfield Ashcroft Theatre Tickets
8th: DEAL: Astor Theatre SOLD OUT
9th: NORWICH: The Halls Tickets
10th: COLCHESTER: Arts Centre SOLD OUT
14th: LOUGHBOROUGH: MMC SOLD OUT
15th: MANCHESTER: Stoller Hall Tickets
16th: ULVERSTON: Coronation Hall Tickets
21st: KIDDERMINSTER: Town Hall Tickets
22nd: GLASGOW: Mackintosh Queen’s Cross Tickets
23rd: ABERDEEN: The Lemon Tree Tickets
24th: STIRLING: Tolbooth Last Few Tickets
28th: STAMFORD: Corn Exchange Tickets
29th: BURY ST EDMUNDS: The Apex Tickets
30th: CORSHAM: Pound Arts Centre SOLD OUT
31st: OXFORD: The North Wall SOLD OUT
November
4th: WORTHING: Pavilion Tickets
6th: BELLAGHY: Seamus Heaney HomePlace SOLD OUT
7th: BELLAGHY: Seamus Heaney HomePlace SOLD OUT
11th: LEEDS: City Varieties Tickets
12th: SUNDERLAND: The Fire Station Tickets
13th: HELMSLEY: Arts Centre SOLD OUT
14th: POCKLINGTON: Arts Centre SOLD OUT
15th: SHEFFIELD: Memorial Hall Tickets
18th: OXFORD: The North Wall SOLD OUT
19th: STROUD: Sub Rooms Tickets
20th: BRIDPORT: Electric Palace Tickets
21st: EXETER: Corn Exchange Last Few Tickets
22nd: BUDE: The Parkhouse Centre Tickets
25th: NEWARK: Palace Theatre Tickets
26th: BAKEWELL: Town Hall Last Few Tickets
27th: CHORLEY: Chorley Theatre Last Few Tickets
28th: LIVERPOOL: Tung Auditorium Last Few Tickets
30th: BRISTOL: St George’s Last Few Tickets
December
1st: CARDIFF: Glee Club Tickets
4th: LONDON: Union Chapel Tickets
And finally, lastly, in conclusion …
A couple of people have mentioned to me that they found my first newsletter too long. While this feedback was extremely helpful, I think it worth pointing out that it is not compulsory to read it all – or, for that matter, any of it. And besides, I didn’t have time to write a short one.
Roger’s Thesaurus
In order to grow, expand, widen
his lexicological corpus,
Roger bought, acquired, purchased
a synonymopedia, a thesaurus.
Soon, presently, without delay,
he no longer ran out of things to say,
speak, utter, express, articulate,
give voice to, pronounce, communicate.
This was all very well, fine, great,
wonderful, super, terrific
but his friends, mates, pals found him
boring, tedious, dull, soporific.
So let this be a warning,
an omen, a sign, a premonition,
it’s all very well to show learning,
education, knowledge, erudition
but here’s a top tip, a hint,
a suggestions, some advice –
don’t ever let it stop you
from being concise …
brief, short, clear, pithy,
succinct, compendious, to the point,
compact, snappy, laconic.
Breviloquent.
Thanks – and until next time,
Brian