The Clarkson Verses

Clarkson Apologist

Reader, please beware
of the Clarkson apologist.

Here’s how you can find out
if you’ve got one in your midst.

He’s the kind of man who says
global warming does not exist.

Defends his golf club’s ban on women
then claims he’s not sexist.

He illustrates homosexuality
through the limpness of a wrist.

Still talks about the two world wars
and then clenches his right fist.

Bemoans the bloody immigrants
of which his England now consists.

Every night he drives home
his terrain response Range Rover pissed.

I could go on
but I’m sure you get the gist.


Jeremy Clarkson Poem Number Eleven

Eeny, Morris Minor, Moe
Catch a Clarkson by his toe
If he hollers, don’t let go,
Eeny, Morris Minor, Moe.

Jeremy always seemed
Like such a nice bloke,
The way he’d drive,
The way he spoke
(About feckless Mexicans
And sloping Asians,
Jeremy had a quip
For all occasions!).

Who would have thought
There could be any basis
On which to label
Him a racist?

Jeremy Clarkson Poem Number Ten

Dear Mr Jeremy,
Do you remember me,
The chap you knocked over
Back in October?

Do you recall, Jeremy
How I’d the temerity
To scatter my extremities
When you dismembered me?

I hope I didn’t damage
Your Lotus Elise.
Won’t you ever forgive me,
Jeremy, please?



Jeremy Clarkson Poem Number One

Parks on
A double yellow.
Thinks he’s
A lovable rogue
Of a fellow.

But he’s not.
He’s just
A twat.


Jeremy Clarkson Poem Number Two

I’m not one to stand
On ceremony
But I would like to stamp
On Jeremy.


Jeremy Clarkson Poem Number Three

Jeans, white shirt and jacket
Do not constitute top gear.
So Clarkson please pack it
All in and just disappear.


Jeremy Clarkson Poem Number Four

Jeremy drove fecklessly
And rather recklessly,
Causing skid marks on
The pants of Clarkson.


Jeremy Clarkson Poem Number Five

“Feel my big gear-stick”,
Jeremy leers.
“Ah, your famous disappear trick”,
His passenger jeers.


Jeremy Clarkson Poem Number Six



Jeremy Clarkson Poem Number Seven

She never did feel quite right
Did poor little Beverley.
That’s why when she grew up
She changed her name to Jeremy.

Jeremy Clarkson