Brian Bilston’s Christmas Poetry Album

Satsumas are the Only Fruit

O how I love to consume a satsuma!
A satsuma a day leads to good humour.

To obtain one I would fight a lion or puma
or risk the revenge of wrathful Montezuma.

For the sweet taste of just one satsuma
I would listen to a concerto of tuba,
learn the three major dialects of Yoruba,
read the minutes of the 1906 Duma.

The merest rumour of a buried satsuma
would see me turn fructo-archaeologist/exhumer.

Juicy-sweet segmental sensation!
Luscious litmus-testing, citrus-besting Christmas elation!
O how I love to consume a Satsuma!

It is also easier to rhyme than orange.

Those less fortunate

Forgive me for being importunate
but, this Christmas,
please spare a thought
for those less fortunate:
the lonely, the recently bereaved,
the sufferers of pain unrelieved,
the homeless, the poor, the needy
and those who watched
Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Special
on their TV.

The Christmas Gathering

Since Vince disappeared,
her friends all feared
how Hope might cope
but she did not mope
for long.

No longer listless by Christmas,
she practised her proclivity for festivity
and held a bash with the cash
she got from the insurance.

Thanks to her labours for the neighbours,
the do was a coup,
the mulled wine divine,
and the deep-filled Vince pies
were a total surprise.

Secret Santa

Scouring charity shops
for Mike’s secret santa gift,
Sandra was surprised to stumble
across a Nik Kershaw in Age Concern.

It was a riddle as to how
he had ended up there.
Sandra guessed that, at some stage,
he must have been in the shop window,
for he was slightly yellowed as if
the sun had gone down upon him many times.
But, upon closer inspection,
he looked to be in good working order,
a little musty, perhaps, but not too rusty.

Wouldn’t it be good, she thought,
to buy him, take him home
and see how he scrubs up.
What’s more, she still had money to spare
from her five pounds allowance
with which to purchase
Get Fit With The Green Goddess
on video cassette.

Mike was overwhelmed by his gifts,
particularly the Nik Kershaw
(owning, as he already did,
a Howard Jones and that
drummer from Culture Club).

Sandra herself got a scented candle.