BAFTA Acceptance Speech

I’m stunned and I’m staggered
to find myself up here,
clutching onto this BAFTA
I should have won last year.

Bear with me while I speak
through teeth white and flossable,
whilst I say thank you to those
who made all of this possible.

To the director’s wise words,
the support of the producer,
and my lovely leading lady
who let me seduce her.

To the rest of the cast
and the hard-working crew,
I can’t remember their names
but hope that will do.

To the film fans who came
to see me on the screen
and the critics who loved me
(but not those who were mean).

To my family, of course,
especially Mother and Father,
who sold their spare yacht
to put me through RADA.

To my friends who were there
each step along the way
and to my life coach Leona
who taught me feng shui.

To the people of Britain,
who took me to their heart,
it’s nice to know that
you recognise great art.

To the poor starving people
who might simply not cope
without me in their dreams,
a shining beacon of hope.

To the animals, birds and insects,
all of God’s assembled creatures,
for the wonder of their beauty
(though they lack my classic features).

And finally, there is one more
without which this couldn’t be.
Hardworking, handsome and humble,
I’d just like to thank me.

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